Welp, it’s December 27th. Looks like we missed Christmas. Oh well! Since we are not beholden to any particular holiday now, let’s watch the big boys fight it out. We start in October with…
RetroRealms: Halloween
What’s the deal? IMDB defines Halloween as “Fifteen years after murdering his sister on Halloween night 1963, Michael Myers escapes from a mental hospital and returns to the small town of Haddonfield, Illinois, to kill again.” Sounds like a good idea for a videogame!
How does it look? This is supposed to be a “Retro” title, and the in-game lore presents this as a lost/haunted cabinet from the arcades of the late 80’s/early 90’s. That said, these are very distinctive WayForward graphics on display, so it exists in a sort of uncanny valley of Retro. It would look strange next to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Bad Dudes, but these are not what one identifies as modern graphics, either. Do we have a name for the Gameboy Advance era? It looks like an HD version of that.
What are your goals? Michael Myers is definitely escaping from a mental hospital on a bloody rampage here, but he is technically doing it at the behest of a supernatural entity named The Overlord. It’s another “retro uncanny valley” thing, as do we really need a Lovecraftian horror dangling a tombstone over Mikey’s head to keep him motivated? Can’t we just have a slasher game and be done with it? Did anyone complain about the plot of Splatterhouse?
What’s the gimmick? The Overlord’s existence is justified by granting Myers a magical eyeball that allows you to switch between “the real world” and a slightly grosser “horror world”. Unfortunately, the world switching mechanic is not particularly robust, and it is mostly just useful for swapping between places where walls/platforms appear/disappear. Considering the whole concept of a seedy underworld dimension teetering on the border of reality could be used for some fascinating concepts, and we cannot even get past the first level without otherworldly monsters hanging out in the mundane world, it is disappointing. Raziel did it better twenty years ago.
Where do you go? Myers starts at the insane asylum, moves on to Phelps Garage (to, I guess, remind himself where he got his outfit?), stalks around the suburbs, heads to the cemetery, and then visits Overlord’s Hell. Most of these stages are generically videogame-ified (all told, Phelps Garage takes up the same area as Delaware), but the suburbs are rad. It’s still pretty damn video game-y, but crashing horizontally through 2nd floor windows can never be bad.
Who are the grunts? There are the Overlord’s monsters skulking about, but there are also a goodly number of humans that get macheted by Myers. And, while mowing down your human obstacles on city streets is appropriate to the source material, it feels unsporting to take out random mechanics or dudes in straight jackets. How are they a threat?! Also, there is a random mook in the cemetery that looks like Sticky Joe from Teen Titans Go, and Sticky Joe never did no one no harm.
Who are the bosses? Well, the insane asylum is led by an even bigger, crazier guy. And level 2’s boss is just magical construction equipment. Not a great start! Level 3 gets us a double battle against Laurie and Dr. Loomis, so that is at least canonically cool. And then we re-murder the ghost of Judith Myers, which is only moderately morally wrong. Unfortunately, the finale is a basic mirror match, and then the inevitable betrayal of Overlord. Hey, Overlord, Castlevania’s Death called! He wants his everything back!
What can you collect? Your currency for buying upgrades is candy corn, and that is delightfully seasonal. You can also earn powerups like pitchforks or curved blades (please don’t make me think of Vampire Survivors again, Halloween, I’m trying to quit) by bisecting distinct “innocent victims” running around. An emphasis on victim-murdering is appreciated, but killing should be its own reward for Michael Myers.
Anything else? As was noted a couple times, RetroRealms: Halloween occupies a weird “neither fish nor fowl” area where it is trying to be staunchly retro in a lot of different ways (like the title!), but very much reminds you of modern game design in so many other ways. Maybe Overlord should stop being so tauntingly clever and just shut-up? Whatever is happening exactly, this Halloween feels a lot more like 2024 than 1978.
Any holiday crossover? You can play as Laurie (as DLC), and she does not have victims that provide powerups. She gets presents!
And you know who else gets presents…
The Legend of Santa
What’s the deal? It’s a 2-D platformer! Featuring Santa Claus! And at least three of his little friends! Rescue Mrs. Claus and capitalism from nefarious trolls with the one and only Coca-Cola Mascot, Kris Kringle.
How does it look? This adventure has got more sprite mods than Bob and George. And science didn’t think that was possible! Whether it is Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario Land 2, Super Mario World, or Mega Man, several different graphics for this game are clearly repurposed from a K·B Toys videogame catalog. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
What are your goals? Santa delivers toys to children one day out of the year, and the other 364.25 are spent venturing around the countryside attempting to defeat trolls, penguins, and witches. Santa is not as murderous as our other holiday’s protagonist, but he will suffer no yule fools, and can and will obliterate everything between him and rescuing his wife and/or business.
What’s the gimmick? Can we just say “it’s a reskinned Mario game”? Is someone going to get sued if I say that? Is it me? That is the really important question. Legal ramifications aside, if you enjoy Mario games, this is about 90% as good as a classic Mario game, which is also better than about 90% of the Super Mario Maker levels out there.
Where do you go? Three worlds offer all the early Mario standbys of run around platforms, run around platforms with autoscrolling, and underwater levels that no one enjoys. There are even a few Super Mario World-esque stages that combine the water and platforms!
Who are the grunts? The goombas are penguins with angry eyes, so you know it is okay to mow down those birds (because of the angry eyes, you see). We also have random wolves and a Pokey-esque snowman stack. Actually, there is nothing to deny the existence of a Pokey hiding under all that snow.
Who are the bosses? Santa’s main opponent is a troll that looks suspiciously like Wario. He is defeated after the first world, but returns again after using a penguin as his patsy. Note that the boss fight against Trollio is possibly the most difficult thing in the game, as his random jumping and Santa’s inability to survive more than two hits combines into a lot of frustration.
What can you collect? Like Mario, Santa needs coins for unexplained reasons, and said coins will eventually buy more lives. Additionally, you have a stocking full of coal as a powerup, which allows Santa to toss coal in a manner not unlike a certain plumber distributes fireballs. Finally, we have a candy cane that is just kind of floaty, and miraculously does not immediately recall any Mario powers.
Anything else? There is an angry moon that hovers over two levels, and it has the exact same attack pattern as the angry sun of Super Mario Bros. 3. I have concerns that this will prompt Nintendo to attempt to patent celestial bodies.
Any holiday crossover? The final level completely drops the winter troll and introduces a Halloween-y witch. This transforms all the environs for stages into something spookier, so zombies, ghosts, and the final witch boss are all on the menu. It is Santa versus Halloween, and that is a pleasing swerve for the finale.
So which holiday wins? Even with crossover between both holiday-themed games, it would be folly to compare these two titles directly. Apples and oranges, right? But! Both games do contain a graveyard stage. And, while there is nothing noticeably exciting about The Legend of Santa’s potter’s field, RetroRealms: Halloween ends its crypt with a fight against a ghost that perfectly apes the mecha dragon of Mega Man 2. And you can’t beat Mega Man 2!
So sorry, Santa, Halloween wins this contest of holidays. Better luck next year.
FGC #687 The Legend of Santa
- System: PC, Mobile, Nintendo Switch, and Playstation 5. Spread cheer everywhere but the Xbox, apparently!
- Number of players: Four! Maximize your holiday fun by including the whole family! Assuming you have no greater than four family members!
Challenge of the Holidays: The castle/boss levels are an approximately 2,000% uptick in challenge compared to their surrounding stages. There is a feint glimmer of an intriguing Mario-esque platformer here, but it only exists for about 12% of the game.- Favorite Elf: Definitely the red and green one. I do not understand why elves are allowed to come in other colors.
- In Development: According to the game’s itch page, the first two worlds were released in 2022, and Chapter 3 (let’s just call it Halloween Town) dropped this year shortly before the console releases. Maybe there are more stages coming! I’m holding out hope for an Arbor Day-themed level.
- Isn’t three worlds rather short for a Mario platformer? Yes, but the game is only five bucks. Adjusted for inflation, Super Mario Bros. 3’s 8(ish) worlds was about $120. This is a bargain!
- Did you know? This platformer has touch screen support. Never play a platformer with a touch screen.
- Would I play again: Probably not. This is a fun little Mario-esque adventure, but I could be playing, ya know, an actual Mario game.
What’s next? One more holiday to go, so we are going to celebrate New Year’s by reviewing 2024. Please look forward to it!
This sign spinning is also familiar