Ten years ago, it was estimated that there were approximately 35,000 hours of content on Netflix. Shows have come and gone since then, but if we are assuming the same basic math applies to today, it would take a little under four continuous years to watch literally everything on Netflix. And that’s without sleeping, peeing (anywhere but your couch), or going to work to actually afford that ever-increasing Netflix subscription! But we all acknowledge such a goal as unattainable, as not only would it destroy your life, but you also would have to spend valuable moments of your existence watching something called “Murdaugh Murders: A Southern Scandal”. Netflix is a wonderful resource, but no one is delusional enough to watch literally everything on it.
But what of Nintenflix?
Six years ago, Nintendo launched its Nintendo Switch Online Nintendo Entertainment Service. After two console generations where classic titles were available as ala carte downloads, Nintendo offered a vaguely revolutionary method of playing a catalogue of permanently available retro titles. Or it was just like Playstation Plus/Xbox Live. Whatever! What’s important is that Nintendo dictated these games would be available for you to play if you maintained a subscription, and more games would dribble out the spigot as our corporate overloads determined the value of Rygar was at an appropriate low. As time went on, more and more games and systems were added, and now we have titles available that are a youthful twenty years old. Sure beats Donkey Kong’s 40!
But are all videogames created equal? Are all retro titles well adapted to this service? Let’s compare and contrast and find out! And do it in a completely arbitrary order while we’re at it!
Nintendo 64 Online
Mario Party 3
We’ll start with the system simultaneously best and least served by the online format: the N64. On one hand, the N64 is a bear to emulate, and some of its best titles have not shown up in “retro collections”. In fact, even when games from the N64 era are revisited, they are often wholly remade, like Mario 64-DS, or the N64/3DS Zelda titles. A place to play N64 games on something closer to their home turf is ideal. On the other hand, the best of the best of the N64 were games that utilized the native four controller support and went full hog on being the “party machine”. Final Fantasy was on the Playstation for you single nerds, but we’ve got tangible socializing over on the N64!
The only issue is that the N64 online service was released in October of 2021. While we were all happy that was post-vaccine and when we were allowed in each other’s basements again, the downside was that we already had plenty of great party games on the Nintendo Switch. Super Smash Bros. Ultimate was 2018, and the last of its DLC was released the same month as the N64 service. Clubhouse Games and Switch Sports were already available if you wanted something traditional, and 1-2 Switch or WarioWare: Get It Together! were there if you wanted more whacky hijinks. And that’s just the first party stuff! Never you mind how many different companies wanted to capitalize on the all-encompassing popularity of the Switch! And for “just” Mario Party, we had Super Mario Party in 2018, and Mario Party Superstars that very month.
So it’s not a roll of the dice: the odds of anyone wanting to play Mario Party 1-3 on the N64 section of the Nintendo Switch are pretty low. Wave Race 64 is at least something a little different from what is available today, but the likes of Mario Party 3 is just an inferior version of something already available. If you want something unique to the system, you should try…
Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls
Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: 4-player racing Bionic Commando? No. You haven’t. Because that is an insane thing to even think. But that’s Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls! It is a 2-D racing game that borrows the speed and loop-de-loops of Sonic the Hedgehog, but the challenge is primarily based on using a prehensile tongue to properly grapple up vertical racetracks. And there are whacky powerups like a kart racer, too! And did I mention there is a character that is best described as “what if teeth?” Because that abomination is memorable! And not just because of the recurring nightmares!
Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls is absolute balls for a party game. It is not instantly intuitive, and if the jerk who owns the game is playing, they are going to win every time. They would inevitably know the tracks better than randos that just showed up and choose King Jr. like a noob. But now everyone has Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls! So everyone can practice for inevitable Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls meetups! There is nothing else like Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls on the Nintendo Switch, so it is the ideal N64 title to appear there!
Or you can just play it by yourself, too. There’s a code to unlock all the balls and levels, if you don’t feel like going through the absurd unlock requirements (such requirements include: be perfect at everything, all the time). Alone or with friends, If you want to try something new and unique, there’s Iggy’s Reckin’ Balls. It bowls over a solid trilogy of Mario Parties.
But speaking of absurd unlock requirements…
Sega Genesis Online
Comix Zone
Nintendo’s Sega Genesis Online service seems more like an accounting error than anything. Nintendo realized they had more money than Wario, every Sega Genesis game ever has been released on every collection/service ever (including a few already on the Switch), so why not toss a few Sega Genesis games into the online service wrapper, and call it a day? So, unlike the other Nintendoflix services, the Sega Genesis wing of this museum doesn’t hold anything in danger of returning to the Nintendo backrooms, and even its weirdest titles have been rereleased everywhere from the Playstation 3 to mall kiosks.
So trust me when I say you absolutely do not need to play Comix Zone.
Comix Zone was designed to impress 90’s comics fanboys in issues of 90’s Gamepro magazine. The concept is that the coolest comics artist ever, Sketch Turner (get it!?), is sucked into his own comic book by the villainous Mortus, and now Sketch must literally punch his way off the page and back into reality. It is Duck Amuck meets Rob Liefeld, and while that concept sounds fun in theory, it does not work well in practice. This is a beat ‘em up with extremely obscure “rules”, and a difficulty level that punishes you for not immediately understanding them.
Want an example? Well, the second level starts with some basic fights, and then you are blocked by a rotating fan. If you attempt to do anything to the fan (approach it, punch it, dash through it), you lose health. The solution turns out to be to use the “rat” item to let your pet critter sneak through and hit a (completely unseen) switch. And then the next room contains another fan! The rat does not work here, and the solution is to push a nearby crate into the fan. Never mind that getting anywhere near the fan damaged you in the previous room, and that if you do not move the crate and simply start pushing it, it will explode and kill you. It will also kill you if you stand anywhere near it once it is near the fan. And this is in a game with zero lives/continue options! If you die because you didn’t immediately understand the parameters of the puzzle, then you start back at the beginning of everything.
And this is all before we get to a finale that hangs the entire game on a timed section that may or may not end in nuclear winter!
It’s cruel, dammit. Forcing someone through it because they decided to click on that cool guy with a ponytail on the Sega Genesis game select screen should come with a warning. A warning about impending death.
Not that impending death has to be bad…
Contra: Hard Corps
The Nintendo Switch online service is likely not the best way to play Contra: Hard Corps on the Nintendo Switch. Contra: Hard Corps is part of the Contra Anniversary Collection, and that collection involves options for playing C:HC in a variety of modes, including the original version that allows for having a life bar. This was arguably the way Contra: Hard Corps was originally intended to be played, and our “one hit and you’re dead” was an American invention so you could not complete Contra: Hard Corps in the span of a rental. Contra: Hard Corps as part of the Contra Anniversary Collection is objectively the best way to play this perennial Contra title, and it even tangentially prepares you for Contra: Operation Gulaga (also available on the Switch!).
All that said? Damn is Contra: Hard Corp easy to understand on Sega Genesis Online. Yes, you die in one hit. Yes, there is absolutely no context for what you are supposed to do or proper techniques to make progress. Yes, it is entirely possible to get a game over just because you chose the wrong choice in a menu. But what is important is that literally every mistake you can possibly make in Contra: Hard Corps can be instantly undone with the onboard rewind feature. You can even make save points at the various branching levels! So you can see everything Contra: Hard Corps has to offer, and all it takes are a few quick rewinds. Run ‘n gun action has never been so accessible!
Once you actually know what’s going on, you won’t need the crutch. But in a game as instant as Contra: Hard Corps, the features offered by this emulation wrapper are wonderful. Comix Zone might make you waste a half hour trying to figure out some esoteric solution to an ultimately stupid puzzle, but Contra: Hard Corps just asks that you dodge a bullet or 2(,000). It makes all the difference to saving the world from alien despots.
Of course, if you want something a little less world-threatening…
Gameboy Online
Pokémon Trading Card Game
Now we’re getting into the wide, wide world of impossible game preservation. The Pokémon Trading Card Game has been a popular pastime for children and gigantic nerds alike since 1996. Naturally, the whole enterprise had a tie-in game in 1998. Pokémon was popular enough to have all the spin-offs it could ever want, so tossing the trading card game on a cartridge must have been an easy choice. And special bonus: there were no “blind boxes” or money-based collecting necessary for this version of the collectible card game. Everything was all right there on the $30 cartridge!
Now the card game has had nearly thirty years to fester and grow to something that is unwieldly to a fault. Some of those cards from back in ’96 are worth literally thousands of dollars, and there are occasional events in our modern era where people rob Targets to get the latest Zarude card. Pokémon Trading Cards are just as fresh as they have ever been, and wanting to see a game based on an era when the whole enterprise was practically brand new is akin to wanting to play John Madden Football ’93. Is that the one where he’s wearing the striped tie? I think that was the good one on the Super Nintendo… right?
So Nintendo deigning to allow us to play a game based on the good ol’ days for free (“free”) is nothing short of miraculous. Progress moves forward, not backward! And Pokémon has always got a new mobile app on the way that is the real way to play. This is cutting into valuable nostalgia dollars! We should all thank our lucky stars that such a thing has graced our modern consoles!
… Of course, playing the damn thing requires learning how to play a whole friggen card game. And who has time for that?
Kirby’s Tilt ‘N Tumble
But you know what there’s always time for? Kirby!
Kirby’s Tilt ‘N Tumble is a game that also relies on a gimmick from the late 90’s, but now for a game that does not require a PHD (or at least the patience of a preteen) to understand. Kirby is at it again, and by “it” we mean “that phenomenon where every other Kirby game is a whacky experiment”. This time, Kirby is stuck as a ball (which happens more often than you think), and you have to manually move your Gameboy to steer Kirby through a labyrinth of obstacles. Easy to understand, difficult to master (and completely impossible to grab every star). Fun for the whole family!
And being able to play this game on the Nintendo Switch enhances the experience! Since you can play with a standard controller and your Switch in TV Mode, making Kirby jump by shaking the screen is no longer a death sentence! Look, I understand that many of my readers acquired object permanence as toddlers, and never looked back. But when I shake a Gameboy, I shake the hell out of it. And I remember many needless Kirby deaths back in the day due to not immediately focusing back on the screen after Kirby cleared a pit. Couple this with the previously mentioned rewind for silly mistakes (“I swear I pressed the A button faster than that…”), and Kirby’s Tilt ‘N Tumble feels practically made for its emulated debut.
And while we are on the topic of games that have caused needless death…
Gameboy Advance Online
Golden Sun / Golden Sun: The Lost Age
The Golden Sun franchise is well-regarded as a memorable RPG series. Unfortunately, it has long been the opinion of Gogglebob.com that this is simply a mistake of timing. Golden Sun had the luck of being released on a Nintendo system when RPGs were at an epic shortage outside of Sony hardware. Golden Sun ain’t bad! But it is from that awkward age when RPG directors decided that the best way to solve a problem was to throw more words at it. So everything in the game is stated six different ways. It is repeated over and over again. You get the point the first time, you may have even correctly deduced exactly where the sentence was going when it started, but still, it goes on and on, with no end in sight, due to a writer that is not confident that their audience is going to understand the fire guy that is currently on fire and using flame puns might be the fire wizard you are seeking. It’s just an endless fountain of words that mean nothing and say even less, and I cannot imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of that unfettered, limitless firehose of grandiose and wholly unnecessary verbiage. Sounds terrible.
And, while we would not normally say “ignore this game” for being talky, Golden Sun is from the same malcontents that produced Beyond the Beyond, so #$&! that nonsense.
Your time would be better spent with…
Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3
No talking, only running.
Yes, there are already two other ways to play Super Mario Bros. 3 on the Nintendo Online services (Super Mario Bros. 3 NES and Super Mario Bros. 3 All-Star SNES), but this version includes all of the Advance E-Reader Levels that were previously only available through esoteric hardware acquisitions (or owning a WiiU… which is itself esoteric hardware). And those extra levels are not only fun, but have to be seen to be believed!
Basically, Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3 E-Reader Times is Mario Maker before Mario Maker was but a glimmer in Miyamoto’s eye. After four Mario Advance titles, the team decided to make stages with all the toys in Mario’s 8/16-bit war chest, and you wind up with levels where Mario can wear a cape while digging through sand to grab keys and then outrun Charging Chucks. It is a great adventure! And considering even Mario Maker shies away from combining some of these different playstyles, there are an extremely limited number of hiccups (sometimes Mario’s “extra” ability to dig stuff out of the ground interferes with other B-button uses). And extra special bonus? Those silly collectible coins that they wedged into every previous Advance installment actually make sense in a game designed for them. So if you feel like searching out all the nooks and crannies of some of the new fortresses and wannabe ghost houses, have a ball! Or a shoe! Because you get some milage out of Kuribo’s favorite footwear in these stages, too!
If you like Mario games, your time would be well spent with the E-Reader section of Super Mario Advance 4: Super Mario Bros. 3. The only unwieldly verbiage in this game is the title.
And while we are on the topic of avoiding words…
Super Nintendo Entertainment System Online
The Ignition Factor
There absolutely is someone out there that got The Ignition Factor as their only game during the Christmas of 1995, and was happy forever with a game that includes randomized level goals and a variety of ways to conquer different stages. I do not fault this person for finding fun in a firetrap. But for the rest of us, The Ignition Factor is a game that borrows concepts from adventure and action games, but enhances neither. Being a firefighter is hot, and adapting your loadout to different challenges is interesting, but…
NPCS may have issues with being helpful. This is a situation where that all-important instruction manual makes a big difference. You can take the time to learn the nuances of The Ignition Factor to be the best darn firefighter you can be, but that is also time you could be playing…
Wrecking Crew ’98
The original Wrecking Crew was arguably 90% action game with 10% thinking required to not accidentally trap Mario in a collapsing building. Wrecking Crew ’98 retained the general gameplay of Wrecking Crew, but dramatically upped the thinking factor, as it now adopted a significant portion of puzzle gameplay. Wrecking Crew ’98 is a match-3 game! But with all the running, hammering, and Foreman Spike you would expect to see in a Wrecking Crew game! It’s weird and entertaining!
Now, the drawback is that this is the first Wrecking Crew ’98 has ever been localized for American audiences, and that is to say it has not been localized at all. This game is entirely in Japanese, and the cutesy skits and tutorials are all incomprehensible for someone who cannot read Japanese. But, unlike The Ignition Factor, you do not need to read a word to understand the gameplay. Break blocks! Line up similar colors! Avoid enemies! It is all so simple and so engaging, you really do not need to understand why that Eggplant Man has beef with Mario.
Beat back Bowser’s skyscraper schemes, and move on to tackle a sentient onigiri. Don’t ask questions. Just wreck it.
And speaking of Nintendo games that wreck it…
Nintendo Entertainment System Online
StarTropics
Like Earthbound Beginnings/Mother, we are all very happy StarTropics is here and available on the faux NES of the Nintendo Switch. Unfortunately, like its foreign cousin, StarTropics is a might hostile to a new player. StarTropics was developed in Japan by Genyo Takeda, but was only released in North America (1990) and Europe (1992). This is relevant, as if you claimed StarTropics existed only to sell issues of Nintendo Power or promote their 1900-tip line, it would be believable. StarTropics is incomprehensible to a neophyte adventurer.
On the surface level, StarTropics is a fun little adventure game that mixes the best of the NES Zelda titles. You have a top-down perspective, “dungeons”, and a weapon that works better with maximum hearts like The Legend of Zelda. But you also have towns, NPCs, and some beefy sprite graphics like in The Adventure of Link. From an “action” perspective, it is a mixed bag, as protagonist Mike Jones has an extremely wonky jump that can only move forward with specific blocks/obstacles, and a lot of the challenge involves being able to instantly identify if a gap is going to be jumpable or an instant death pit. Couple that with monsters that have no problem aiming diagonally while all your offensive powers are strictly four-directional, and the combat/action of StarTropics is a puzzle unto itself.
Which is great because the actual puzzles of StarTropics are absolute bullshit. Do you know which switch to press in which room to make progress? Can you spy the three darkened pixels that are meant to help you escape an infinitely looping maze? Can you play the piano? All of these issues and more are going to stand in your way if you want to save Dr. Jones. Some areas, like the darkened insides of a whale, are just annoying, but solvable with trial and error. But a mysterious letter that must be dunked in water and doesn’t even exist in the Switch version!? That’s gonna be a bit of an impasse.
Don’t waste your time banging your head against the wall that is StarTropics. Just bang your head in…
Ninja JaJaMaru-kun
There is a reason this one got ported to the Nintendo VS. System arcade cabinets. Yes, it is impossible to understand a single thing that is happening in this game thanks to a lack of localization. But, like Wrecking Crew ’98, you do not need a hint line to make progress. You are some manner of ninja, an evil dude has kidnapped a lady of indeterminate royalty, and you must clear out castles full of rival ninja and miscellaneous yokai. Jump, throw shuriken, and do whatever it takes to shove a sentient umbrella off the board. Sometimes you get a frog mount. Roll with it. Ribbit with it. Have a fun time.
There is enough heartache in this world. Don’t waste 35,000 hours with games that are actively mean to the player. Play some free (“free”) videogames that are actually fun.
FGC #686 StarTropics
- System: Nintendo Entertainment System to start, and then Virtual releases on the Wii, WiiU, and Switch. There’s a funny story about those ports that we will get to shortly…
- Number of players: Mike Jones is alone against an uncaring world where a wannabe ROB continually reminds him he will never reach his goals.
Let’s talk about the letter: The most infamous moment in StarTropics is a bit of legacy nonsense meant to discourage piracy and rentals. Basically, a new copy of StarTropics in 1990 came with a “Letter from your uncle”. At the start of Level 4, you are told to get this real-life letter wet, and it will give you the code to proceed. The code for StarTropics Level 4 is 747. There. Saved you a lot of time. Emulated versions of StarTropics obviously do not include the physical letter. The Wii version compensated by adding a cool animation to the included virtual manual. The WiiU version similarly incorporated the code with an explanation in the virtual manual. The modern Switch version, however, does not include anything. Apparently the explanation is that you can find the code on their Customer Support section of their online documentation. This is absolutely terrible, and I may have written this entire article as a warning for anyone that assumes this version of StarTropics can be completed with just what is included in the game.- Say something nice: I really enjoy how the character portraits and “cinema scenes” across the game are not very “Hollywood”. Or, put another way, I think this is the rare Nintendo game where there are more overweight characters than not. The Cola islands include a lot of leaders with actual bellies, and I am here for it.
- What’s in a name: Mike’s signature weapon, the Yo-Yo, had to be renamed for trademark reasons. It is now called a shooting star… But it is just as ineffective as it ever was. Keep your hearts up to maintain that upgrade, Mike!
- What’s in a name #2: Your uncle is the archeologist Dr. Steven Jones. Any similarities to doctors of archeology living or dead or named after American states is strictly coincidental.
- An End: Zoda, the final boss of the game, will kill you instantly if you smack into him. Considering the ending is not all that exciting (you go home and play with blocks), it is perfectly reasonable to quit the game before the framed finale. Dr. Jones will understand.
For the Sequel: Zoda the Alien and a team of alien refugees are introduced in the final chapter. They would go on to be the focal point of StarTropics 2, a game that dropped the “islands” conceit for time travel. I feel like too many games focus on aliens as a main plot beat, but I am never going to say no to time travel, so maybe losing the Caribbean motif for StarTropics 2 was the right choice.- Did you know? Mike Jones is transformed via magic into Michelle Jones in order to infiltrate a town that is occupied by only women. So Mike Jones is Nintendo’s first non-dinosaur trans character.
- Would I play again: Having just replayed StarTropics, the answer is no. In the fullness of time, I will likely forget this lesson, and give it another go. I am an idiot. But at least I am an idiot that can play other games on the Switch Online menu.
What’s next? Random ROB just noticed it was the end of December, so it is time for our annual Christmas article. Please look forward to it!
