The Nintendo Switch release of ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron unlocked Galaxy Brain thinking in my poor noggin. Take a peek behind my brain-curtain with the simple starting question of…
Is ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron Bad?
Yes.
Wait! No! That has just been the prevailing wisdom for decades. ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron aka ToeJam & Earl 2 was released in 1993. Since then, it has been intermittently rereleased on various platforms (Xbox 360, Playstation 3, 7,000 random Sega Genesis collections), but almost always right alongside its older brother, ToeJam & Earl. And, given the democracy of gamers has declared ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron to be bad, there was rarely a reason to try it. The good version is right over there! Why even attempt the failed sequel that relegated this beloved duo to Xbox-exclusives and obscure cookbooks?
So the Nintendo Switch Sega Genesis Virtual Console updated, and ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron was released again on November 27, 2024. For possibly the first time in a little over thirty years, ToeJam’s second quest (give or take some menacing tossin’ of tomatoes) was featured completely independently of its cherished ancestor. Sure, it is still on a service where you can select ToeJam & Earl as an alternative immediately… but still! It feels liberated, and that’s what matters! Vibes! Let’s ride those vibes to a complete playthrough that this player hasn’t attempted since the advent of savestates!
And the verdict? ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron is not good.
But it is not terrible! There is an important difference there. There is a lot to like. For instance, this is the first ToeJam & Earl game to explore Funkotron, and Funkotron is a singular experience even today. While you could easily make the argument that “funk” in any description of Funkotron is just as repeated and meaningless as the Smurfs saying smurfin’ smurf an awful smurf, the inhabitants of Funkotron are worthwhile. Basically, they are cartoon characters by way of “Big Daddy” Roth (you know, Rat Fink? I think Google still works well enough for you to get more information on that), with a dedicatedly early 90’s edge. And they are markedly alien, too! Many of them have a non-standard number of heads and/or eyes! Given this wacky cast of characters is 
omnipresent as a Zelda II: The Adventure of Link-esque group of supporting NPCs, you are continually reminded of the creativity on display with this foreign world.
Additionally, the gameplay is firmly “not bad”. This is a 2-D action title, and your quest is to trap the Earthlings running around with funkotronic jars. This involves a mixture of activities, like shaking trees, finding invisible platforms, bouncing on bubble trampolines, and the occasional bout of swimming through caverns. The Earthlings are eclectic, too, as you start with basic little girls kicking you in the shins, and graduate to boogey men, ghost cows, and ace ducks. Like in the original, Earthlings are a continual threat, and learning to adapt to each encounter is the greatest source of challenge for our boys. Sure, you know to hit the deck when that tourist “attacks” with his camera, but can you successfully dodge his flashes while being beset by a rabid poodle? Interesting enemies with unique configurations are persistent across these 15ish different levels.
Unfortunately, even with these highlights on full display, ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron did not feel good. For much of the game, I felt I was playing it because I told myself I was going to play it to completion, and not because I actually wanted to continue. This is in stark contrast to the original ToeJam & Earl, which I have often named as my favorite Sega Genesis game. What was the difference here? Well…
Is ToeJam & Earl good?
ToeJam & Earl has been retroactively sorted into the rogue-like genre. And it fits there perfectly. Unlike its sequel, this is a top-down adventure where our heroes venture around (a very abstract version of) Earth to find their missing ship pieces. Enemies are abounded, presents are all over the place, and you have the choice of a world that is either randomly generated or “fixed”. But even if you go with the configuration that is the same every time, you better have a good memory for all the stage layouts and present assignments. ToeJam & Earl thrives on randomness, and opening a present to discover spring shoes or rocket boots can be the difference between finding an elevator or inadvertently tossing yourself back to square one. Randomness is an essential piece of the rogue-like genre, and it is front and center in every playthrough of ToeJam & Earl.
And it is nowhere to be found in ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron.
There are presents in TJ&EiPoF, but they simply provide coins, consumable funk points, or useless scoring points. There are Lamont’s Favorite Things to discover like the ship pieces of ToeJam & Earl, but they are all gated by NPC conversations and knowing exactly where to scan for the right hidden door. The nefarious Earthlings always can be found in the same places, and once you have conquered their patterns, you know exactly what to expect. The unforgiving hit detection and lack of invincibility frames are back from TJ&E, but the concept of completely random monster formations for each stage is long gone. Most disappointingly, the funk vacuum and panic button are rote consumables, so the only true “powerup” to find are power jars that will trap Earthlings with haste. No Icarus Wings or rosebushes here, just a slightly better version of your usual offensive option.
But wait! Am I missing the randomness or the powerups? Powerups make a big difference, right? TJ&EiPoF proves that once you drop the possibility of new powerups and abilities, an adventure gets monotonous before the fourth level is out. But is the presence of presents random? There are plenty of games where powerups are 100% fixed and always the same, and…
Is “random” what makes a game good?
Super Mario Bros. 3 is a completely “fixed” game. Whether you are playing the game now, in 1988, or any time in between, Level 1-4 is always going to be the exact same stage. I cannot be the only person that has nearly memorized this game, right? I know where to find all the Warp Whistles, and I can identify the exact moment that Roy Koopa is going to jump my way. I know where to switch my P-Wing out for a Frog Suit, and how many fireballs it will take to ground Bowser (answer: a lot). These are all things that never change in a run through of Super Mario Bros. 3.
But when I played Super Mario Bros. 3 the most… Well, I am confident in calling my younger self an idiot.
I wasn’t stupid! I swear! I got all O(utstanding)’s in third grade and everything! But I definitely did not have an infinite memory for Super Mario Bros. 3. I would forget the details of stages, so unearthing a fire flower while being pursued by a giant fish would be a revelation. I did not have a Nintendo Power Atlas for a couple of years, so finding a random vine leading to a Tanooki Suit may as well have been winning the lottery. And discovering the Hammer Bros suit? Divine. Did you even know such a thing was in the game? You can be the scourge of Super Mario Bros. (1), the Hammer Brother? That is so random.
Was my love of “early” Super Mario Bros. games entirely because my short attention span made these adventures much more random? Am I frustrated with 3-D Mario titles because powerups are now predominantly utilized as keys to find the latest star/shine/moon, and not a “random” way to conquer your enemies through transforming into a statue? Did I immediately laud Super Mario Bros. Wonder because it brought back “random” gameplay changes, even if the Wonder Flowers were only ever “unexpected” and not at all random?
Is “random” all I want out of a game?
That cannot be right! I am a very thoughtful gamer! I am not someone that spends all their days playing mobile gachas hoping to pull the right JPG of a Fire Emblem hero! I like a good, serious game that successfully holds my attention without a lick of randomness! I prefer Chess! Not Monopoly! The very thought that I have been naturally gravitating to games that are more random going all the way back to my childhood is preposterous! My favorite games just incidentally include randomness! Like Vampire Survivors…
Sure, this rogue-like bullet heaven includes random elements, but that’s not why I play it! And it’s not like I have played it that much. I enjoy it, but it is not like…
Ah, bullocks.
It is not random, I like randomness. And, given the difference in reception between Toejam & Earl and ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron, I am not alone.
You can have Funkotron, ToeJam & Earl, but these whacky Earthlings just like opening presents.
FGC #685 ToeJam & Earl in Panic on Funkotron
- System: Sega Genesis exclusive. Eat it, Nintendo kids!… Until it eventually showed up on the Nintendo Wii. And now the Nintendo Switch! And there were a few Sony and Microsoft platforms in there, too.
- Number of players: Two players. Unlike the original, I never had the occasion to play this with a friend. That may or may not have something to do with me ejecting the dang thing from my Genesis nigh immediately.
Just play the gig, man: I do not know if the music here is good, “good for the Sega Genesis”, or I have genuine Toejam & Earl brain rot, and any time I hear their familiar beats, I start rocking out with my controller out. It doesn’t matter! I like this music! And not just because variations on songs from Toejam & Earl play on a constant loop in my head!- Favorite Earthling: Duck Riding a Magic Carpet. Inexplicable Ghost Cow is a close second, but Duck Riding a Magic Carpet has the je ne sais quoi of an aquatic, flying creature finding an all-new means of conveyance.
- A Sign of the Times: I am trying to figure out which phenomenon is more indicative of a very specific point in the 90’s: the presence of “goofy cows” ala Earthworm Jim or The Far Side, or the “gross humans of the suburbs” ala Tiny Toons or Haunting Starring Polterguy. Seems like those tropes were ubiquitous for a period of about five years, and then we had to wait decades to see a resurgence of Cow Tools.
- A Sign of the Times #2: What is it about Sega Genesis titles having extremely stressful “air meters” for water levels? Sonic the Hedgehog, Ecco the Dolphin, and both Genesis Toejam & Earl titles are anxious to watch you drown. Was breathing something Nintendon’t?
- Innovations: The one interesting thing this title brings to the 2-D platforming table is that the boys have a funk-based shortrange teleport that allows them to dodge or pass through thin walls. It works pretty well! If this was a successful game, one could imagine an alternate universe where the 2-D teleport became as ubiquitous as the 3-D action game’s dodge roll.
- An end: Passwords are important when save batteries are expensive, but the “greatest” password you can enter will only take you as far as Level 15 of 18. That said, the last two stages are basically just straight lines, so you are only a handful of humans short of the finish line. Mind you, you do still have to truck through the final battles of Level 16, which contain an extreme level of “challenge” in nonsense. Enjoy fighting multiple Earthlings while you can’t see your own character!
- I know that guy: Lamont the Funkopotamous looks a lot like Mhuyo from that comic/ Hey What’s Ur Job meme.
I am not saying that this “con artist” is the source of all funk in the known universe, but it is a distinct possibility.
- Did you know? According to developers, the original concept for this game was to be ToeJam & Earl “return to Earth to stage a rap concert, only to find they’ve lost their CDs.” This was apparently vetoed by Sega, who wanted something more action-based. But the concept did not leave our favorite funkotronians, as “find albums all over Earth” was the exact plot of their next game, ToeJam & Earl III: Mission to Earth. Only took ten years to make “I lost my CDs” cool again!
- Would I play again: I would, but I apparently have to put another hundred hours into Vampire Survivors. Sorry!
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… StarTropics! It is time for our Winter getaway to the islands! Please look forward to it!
