Today’s article contains spoilers for the recently released Astro Bot. While this is not a story-based game, if you would like the thrilling climax or the multiple cameos within the game to remain a surprise, go ahead and give this one a read later. If are not worried about Astro Bot spoilers, though, read on…
A couple years back, I got a new car. It was the first time I had ever purchased a completely new car, and I made this monumental decision because I was finally at a point in my life where I could afford such a thing. However, as people congratulated me on this fresh buy, I realized something profound: this new car did not make me happy. In fact, it downright made me feel bad. If I could have, I would have driven my “old” car forever. This was not due to some deep affection for a vehicle that had a windshield that looked like it had been beset by Hitchcockian horrors; no, I just believed wholly that my new car did not actually offer any new advantages beyond a significant price tag. I had to buy a different car, one way or another, because my old car was falling apart, and a (completely) new car was the most socially acceptable option. And that felt like losing, because I was going to be paying off this new vehicle for years for nothing more than the ability to drive to work in something vaguely shinier. A new car, to me in that moment, felt less like a victory, and more like I had let an old friend die. I would literally pay for my failure for years.
I feel the same way when I must buy a new videogame system.
And Astro Bot would be the best game of 2024 if it didn’t remind me of that feeling of failure constantly.
So let’s talk about Astro Bot! Have you played a 3-D Mario game released any time in the last twenty years? Congratulations! You understand Astro Bot! What we have here is a 3-D platformer where Astro Bot visits various venues to rescue robots and defeat the evil forces of Generic Green Alien. Most stages contain between four and eight different “stranded” bots, three puzzle pieces, the occasional photo op, and a bevy of coins all over the place to collect. There are alternate exits in a handful of stages, and you get a mini boss to top off about a third of the game. Five big bosses exist to finish each nebula/world, there is a bonus nebula/world with “B-Side” special stages, and there are “mini challenges” scattered about that are shorter but more difficult than their big brothers. Give or take the fact that Astro Bot (mostly) only has one hit point and extremely generous checkpoints, if you claimed the latest Mario game was simply Mario: But He’s a Robot Now, you would have to change nothing about Astro Bot (oh, and that green alien with an UFO would have to be Bowser in his clown car).
And that’s no small accomplishment! Gogglebob.com has recognized that 3-D Mario titles are just quietly the best in the business, and it is to their collective detriment that they are simultaneously new and exciting while being expectantly new and exciting. Mario tosses his hat to gleefully challenge a kingdom made of sentient soup? Sure! That sounds normal! You buy the latest Mario: Whatever Comes Next, and you know you are going to have a good time. The curators of our favorite turtle-exterminator know what they are doing, and you better believe Mario’s face isn’t going to get slapped on some slop (save Official Nintendo Slop: For the Best Mario Muck™). The fact that Astro Bot can be in the same conversation as Mario, left alone possibly surpass the icon, is nothing short of amazing. This is some of the best 3-D platforming this player has experienced in a long time. In fact, it has likely been seven years, stretching back to when Super Mario Odyssey was released in 2017. If you are looking for an excellent platformer that could put the plumber to shame, then look no further than Astro Bot.
And speaking of Mario, our new favorite bot (sorry, Rock) borrows liberally from Super Mario Sunshine. And even Nintendo has forgotten that game! But Astro Bot has a “dual laser” hover jump that may as well be assisted by FLUDD. And a chicken powerup that allows for wild vertical “blast” jumps. And a doggy attachment that sure seems to be simulating Mario’s horizontal water-blast dashes. All of these Sunshine-esque skills are utilized wonderfully between traditional levels and boss fights. And, even if you did not enjoy the ol’ FLUDD moveset, the fact that these talents are expertly showcased with Astro Bot really drives home how Astro’s curators understood the assignment. This isn’t just a good 3-D platformer, this is a good 3-D platformer that understands nearly thirty years of 3-D platforming history. They even understood the most important thing about a character landing on frosty ground is that they immediately and inexplicably start ice skating.
But Astro Bot is not only a 3-D platformer. Sony decided that Astro Bot would attempt to dethrone Mario from not only a gameplay perspective, but also a mascot perspective. Astro Bot is presented as no mere protagonist; no, Astro Bot is supposed to be the face and savior of the Playstation 5.
And it gets weird, y’all.
So here is the complete plot of Astro Bot. Astro Bot and his bot buddies are zooming around in a giant spaceship that looks like a Playstation 5. They are attacked by the Green Meanie, and the Playstation 5-ship is separated into its component pieces. Astro Bot must then explore multiple galaxies to rescue his buddies and reassemble the PS5 ship. After rescuing approximately 200 (out of 300) bots and getting the PS5 90% reconstructed, the bully alien attacks again. So Astro Bot presses a big button emblazoned with the DualShock face buttons, the Playstation 1 startup sound gongs, and all of the Playstation hardware through the generations drops out of the PS5 cargo bay. Thus, there is an epic space battle between generic aliens and character-themed robots riding, like, Playstation Vitas.
So, while you definitely have some input during an appropriately multi-phased final boss fight, the terror of the galaxy is ultimately defeated by Sony videogame hardware. And we are talking about all Sony videogame hardware here, as those silly light guns and PS Move lollipops are included. The PSP rides again! Sorry again, Mega Man Powered Up! Everyone is here!
And I’m reminded that when Nintendo says “everyone is here”… Well, they have more characters than hardware…
Look, I get it. You cannot undo thirty years of bad brand decisions. PaRappa the Rapper, Jak, Kratos, Nathan Drake, Aloy, even Robbit the jumping flasher were all the faces of the Playstation brand at various points. Hell, you could go ahead and include Cloud Strife in that list for 1997 and 2024. And toss Sora in there for the Playstation 2 era! But, for whatever reason, Sony did not decide to maintain brand parity with these characters and their attendant companies. Thus, they either drifted from exclusivity, or simply stopped creating new games in the franchise. PaRappa barely made it to the Playstation 2! And, while I could spend this whole article lamenting the fact that Tokyo Jungle is referenced by a bot, but will likely never see the light of day again; Sony has decided to move on from the concept of caring about software to exclusively hardware. After all, that is the one place where Sony has been consistent: there will always be another Playstation. There will always be a reason to chase the trendy golden apple of portability, unique peripherals, or virtual reality. Ratchet and/or Clank may never see another adventure, but you bet your arsenal you will see a Playstation 6. The history of the Sony brand is not its characters, but the character of its hardware.
But secret fact: I have never been excited to buy new Sony hardware.
The Playstation 1? Bought it for Final Fantasy 7 and Mega Man 8. I would have liked to stick to my beloved Nintendo 64, but the franchises I loved moved out of town, and I had to migrate. I bought the Playstation 2 at launch initially thanks to hype… and then immediately eBayed it because I was a teenager that would be a lot happier with an addition couple hundred bucks. I bought another Playstation 2 about a year later for Final Fantasy 10 and Grand Theft Auto 3. I was a poor college student, and I could have spent my cash on damn near anything else, but I had to play the latest, “next gen” games. Buying a Playstation 2 was the only way to do that. I resisted the PS3 for some time, but did eventually relent after a (significant) price drop and an overwhelming desire for 3D Dot Game Heroes. Immense regrets, there. The Playstation 4 sticks in my mind less thanks to finally being at a point economically where buying a new gaming system wasn’t the financial equivalent of breaking a limb, but that was another one that was delayed as long as possible until exclusives materialized. And the very Playstation 5 that houses today’s Astro Bot was only obtained in anticipation of the (then) incoming Final Fantasy 16. Look! I’m a Final Fantasy fanboy, apparently! Oddly, the only Sony system that I got at launch (and kept) was the PSP, and it is no surprise that that one is the least expensive device on this list (adjusted for inflation). It had Darkstalkers! How could I say no!?
So, yes, every time I purchased something called Playstation, it was for the software, and rarely was that software even remotely sponsored by Sony. Every time I upgraded for a Square or Rockstar game, I gave hundreds of dollars to Sony, because I had to. If I could have played Final Fantasy 7 on the same system as Final Fantasy 6 or Chrono Trigger, I absolutely would have. Maybe it would have looked terrible! Maybe the framerate would have been garbage. But it wouldn’t matter, because I at least would have been able to play the game. I would play and own one system forever if it would play all games in perpetuity (and don’t you PC nerds claim that that is the appeal of that ecosystem, because I have had to replace my own computers a lot more frequently than 
game systems over the years). But when Sony arbitrarily decides it is time for an upgrade, I eventually must follow. And, while there is always an upgrade in mipmaps or raytracing or whatever, it is hard to say if my new PS5 dashboard continually advertising at me is better than the simple sophistication of PS1’s Lisa Frank CD player. I have owned and purchased (sometimes multiple times!) every Sony system, and I have never once been excited about those big hunks of plastic. They are a means to an end. You may as well tell me to get excited about the road I drive on to get to a vacation.
But Astro Bot wants me to be excited about Sony hardware. Astro Bot wants me to light up like a baby seeing their mother as I coo at the recognition of the blue X button. Astro Bot wants to tease me with five stages themed after gameplay of actual games, but bank its entire premise, finale, and bonus areas on “ain’t Sony hardware grand?” Spend five seconds with a bot themed after Um Jammer Lammy, and then participate in an extended minigame about installing a PS5 hard drive. Sony demands your love.
God help us all: Sony wants to be the next Marvel Cinematic Universe. Don’t worry about whether you like the individual movies, kiddies, just get hyped for what comes next. And that’s even if “next” is $700 for a minor performance upgrade that doesn’t even bother to include a disc drive…
Astro Bot is a fun, amazing piece of software. It is just a shame how often it reminds me of its insidious hardware.
FGC #673 Astro Bot
- System: Playstation 5. That’s Playstation. You can play it on the Playstation. It has a special controller and everything. It has Polygon Man. R U E?
- Number of players: You would think this one would be ripe for some level of multiplayer functionality, but just single player. At least you can share your various bot photo ops with others online.
- Credit where Credit is Due: My compatriot fanboymaster made the observation comparing Marvel and Sony. I had already been stewing on exactly how to address this game in my usual thousands of words, but he summed it up in a sentence. I am equally thankful and jealous.
- Watch it, buddy: And speaking of Even Worse Streams, we streamed this one as our special Four-Year Anniversary Stream.
Original Stream Date: September 8, 2024Wow! Four years of playing videogames weekly for the masses! Where does the time go? And can we do anything to get the time spent playing Musashi: Samurai Legend back?
Just play the gig, man: Astro Bot is the first “Playstation Game” in forever that has its own soundtrack, and not just beeps and boops meant to underscore dramatic moments. I might actually seek out the full OST! Which is more than I can say for any crossover title in this game (save Loco Roco).- Favorite Astro Buddy: The custom Astro Bots come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, but the clear winner is Alundra. Because who the hell even remembers Alundra!?
- Favorite Stage Power: There are many “powerup” abilities that appear for a handful of stages, and a couple (like the beloved “shrink”) that only appear in one level. Of them all, the time stop skill is the absolute best. Freezing random objects moving at maximum speed so you can transform them into platforms literally never gets old (due to time stopping, of course). And special bonus: you get to use this skill against Mecha Leon, the giant robot chameleon boss fight. So that winds up being my favorite boss fight, too!
- Favorite Homage Stage: Each world ends with a stage that is a gameplay homage to games gone by. God of War, Horizon, and Uncharted disappointingly just give you a new projectile option without adding much to the usual. Ape Escape similarly adds very little from a gameplay perspective, but at least it feels like a totally different game with stealth and discovery mechanics. And then there is the Loco Roco stage, which is totally just gameplay from Loco Roco. And we need more Loco Roco in our lives! The Playstation 5 can apparently do that well! So can we get a little more?
- Say something mean: You have to collect three whole batches of puzzle pieces before you can change the costume of your Astro Bot. If I were a cynical man (which I very much am), I would guess this is because several of the “transformation” abilities completely ditch the costumes, and the designers did not want to draw attention to this fact until well after you were thoroughly hooked. Or maybe they just want you to have a greater affection for default Astro? Whatever the case, you can wear a Bloodborne Hunter costume, but only after you have well and truly earned it.
Speaking of Crossovers: For anyone that needs a list, the playable characters that appear in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate and are also fun little Astro Bot cameos are Phantom Thief/Joker, Legendary Mercenary/Snake, Vampire Killer/Richter, Disciplined Warrior/Ryu, Assured Rival/Ken, and Cold-Blooded Oppressor/Kazuya. Weirdly, after a lot of fighter overlap, it appears the only assist trophy to lurk in both games is Dandy Dhampir/Alucard. Also weird: despite the presence of other Capcom luminaries, Mega Man did not make this crossover. Is it because Astro Bot colored blue basically is Mega Man?- Any representatives of Battle Arena Toshinden? Brother, we do not even get a Soul Calibur character.
- Did you know? Four different bots were “pre” released as bonuses within the original Astro’s Playroom (that could be transferred on release). They were Lady Maria (Bloodborne), Selene (Returnal), Pipo Monkey, and Gran Turismo Racer. So if you are wondering where a Gran Turismo representative went, you need to hop over to a generally different game.
- Would I play again: I hope we get some Astro Bot DLC or a complete sequel. I will play Astro Bot again regardless, but it is too good to be relegated to the dustbin of Sony history like nearly every other game/character referenced in Astro Bot. Don’t be like Chop Chop Master Onion, little Astro Bot!
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Gunbird 2! What are Gunbirds? We just don’t know! So let’s find out! Please look forward to it!
I’ll get to you soon enough, Rudy