When my grandfather died, I delivered the eulogy. To preserve the moment, I recorded myself. My grandmother had passed away fifteen days prior, and I regretted missing the opportunity to save anything from her memorial service. So I set my phone to record, stood at the podium, and told myself I would one day transcribe my own loving tribute to my dear grandfather.
Yesterday, I successfully transcribed the seven-minute speech. It only took me twelve years.
And my number one takeaway from the occasion? I sound like Donald Trump. And that’s horrifying!
This is absolutely not a joke. For proof of my own rambling, here’s an excerpt:
At any rate, so, I’m going to tell a story. The summer that I graduated from eighth grade, junior high, before going to into high school, would have been the last summer that I did not work for anybody period since I then worked from that point. Theoretically, I should have spent the summer on the couch doing absolutely nothing, which is exactly what I wanted to do, but my mother, ladies and gentlemen, bought a shed which had to be built. And this shed, forgive me for saying such in the church here, but this shed came from the bowels of Hell. It was a terrible little build yourself thing and the idea was that my grandfather and I were going to build this shed in the backyard. Metal thing, you know, you buy it at… Do you recall mom? Sears, Yeah, Sears. At any rate, this theoretically could have been a day activity, like it was a pain, but it could have taken like a day. My grandfather and I built this over I believe the entirety of the summer.
I can see what happened here. I did not have something prepared. I had been considering exactly what to say on the ride up to the funeral (my grandparents had set down their funeral arrangements thirty years before their deaths, and it was all based in a location where they had lived another ten years before that… It was a trip!), but I did not formally write anything down. And, while I do not regret doing such (not like I stood up there and sputtered for 15 minutes), I can see how the colloquial manner in which I normally speak is not great for a man’s epitaph. I can tell you there are a practically infinite number of buts, ums, and “in a manner of speaking”’s sprinkled throughout the eulogy. And, yes, there are many asides that don’t particularly go anywhere, and each one is an obvious bit of nonsense that just happened to be what I was thinking about at that exact instant. It is stream of consciousness speechifying from a 20-something guy who by no means produces speeches for a living. At one point in the eulogy, I practically wade into, “You hear this? You hear this thing they’re saying? People are talking about this.”
And, yes, that bizarre, rambling style currently reminds me of the speech patterns of one 45th President Donald Trump. There is a reason for this. I want to claim ol’ Don has brain worms (apparently a real problem for presidential candidates) or dementia or is otherwise only sloshing around pudding in that noggin of his, but the answer is a lot more insidious. It’s simple: every other politician we have ever had actually knows what they are doing.
Wait, that just makes Trump sound like an idiot again. While I am fine identifying a buffoon as a buffoon, let’s look at this from a different perspective.
Today’s game is an excuse based entirely on the title. Marvel Super Heroes is not an Avengers game, it’s Marvel Super Heroes (, dummy). This is a fighting game where Hulk, Iron Man, and Captain America can pummel Thanos. But it is also a game where Spider-Man can fight Juggernaut, Psylocke can challenge Shuma-Gorath, and Wolverine can carve a piece off of Blackheart. These are Marvel Super Heroes (and Villains), and the game’s plot takes no overt measures to explain why this eclectic group has gathered beyond “the world is in peril”. There are some gems, bad guys should not have said gems, so good guys are fighting to nab ‘dem gems. Literal end of story.
But if you have been paying attention to Disney’s Marvel recently, you know there can be no end to a story.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe has identified its start with Iron Man back in 2008. Tony Stark has a near-death experience while selling weapons to warmongers and decides to turn his innovative knowhow to building an Iron Man suit that will allow him to solve all the world’s problems according to his own private morality. A fine plan if you don’t think about it too hard! We then had later movies featuring The Incredible Hulk (rage issues can be used for good), Captain America (believe in your country and you will go far/lose everything), and Thor (being a god is boring). These films were released over three years, and then culminated in The Avengers, a 2012 jaunt where heroes both super and otherwise teamed up to take down Thor’s charismatic brother. And brief sidenote about that endeavor: The Avengers made more money for Disney and Marvel than could have ever been imagined by ol’ Stan Lee and The House of Ideas.
This, obviously, was more than anyone could have hoped for back when Robert Downey Jr. was best known for appearing in 25 episodes of Ally McBeal. This caused a retroactive assessment of the initial Marvel canon, and suddenly everything deemed worthy was now positioned as “Phase One MCU”. Naturally, this meant that new Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America movies would be part of “Phase Two”, and would also include new properties like Ant-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy. Phase Three followed as the big finale: more and more heroes were introduced, and then they had to fight an intergalactic threat that endangered the whole of the universe (or exactly half of it). In the end (game), our heroes were finally triumphant, but they did suffer two (or three) significant losses along the way. The future was uncertain, but our Marvel Super Heroes had won. Their long journey was over.
And then it kept going.
Iron Man is dead. Captain America is retired and smells like horse salve. So what have we got left? A Thor movie? Sure. Black Widow origin? Weird, but alright. Dr. Strange and Black Panther were breakout characters, so they can get another go. We always have time for more Rocket Raccoon. But Shang-Chi? The Eternals? Ant-Man and/or “The Marvels”? None of these characters are intrinsically bad, but expecting to see another Avengers-style hit out of “the guy who shrinks with his wife I guess” is inherently folly. We had one solid series of films with clear, likeable protagonists that had been firmly established over the course of a decade, and then they got closure. It was over. Expecting to see the same result because one of their pals is still around and having identity issues is inevitably doomed. Your fire burned out, Marvel, and even a child can understand why “this one has a Bill Murray cameo” is not going to rank as high as “Established hero and sympathetic father Tony Stark has to make measured decisions about the love of his family versus billions of people”. Everyone can see why one is more popular (and profitable!) than the other.
But we must pretend we do not know that. Every few months for the last few years, there has been a recurring article about “what can the Marvel universe do to save itself?” These articles admit that Marvel movies are still profitable. These articles confirm that there are Marvel movies scheduled through 2027. These articles even reference other studios still aping Marvel, whether that be James Gunn’s plans for the DC Universe, or some indie darling trade paperback earning an attached director. The MCU is going to keep chugging along, but it is no longer the be-all, end-all of entertainment. And what happened!? Is it the kids today and their short attention spans? Did the pandemic change how we go to the movies? Streaming too dominant in the current media landscape? Is it woke? We just don’t know what happened.
But we do know what happened! And we are being asked with every headline to ignore what we already know to be true. We do not need another think piece on “Why is Disney slightly less successful?” The question was answered so definitively, it was literally called “End Game”. Why do we have to pretend to play along with such a boring and easy query?
Well, there’s a simple answer to that question, too: We are conditioned to believe the lie, because that’s how movies are made.
Follow the throughline here: Marvel movies are AAA blockbusters. Taking just one Marvel film as an example, The Marvels had a budget of $270,000,000.00. While it definitely starred a pretty white lady, it also featured two women of color in prominent roles, and was directed by a black woman. In so much as we can consider movie budgets to be determined by individuals, it can be plainly stated that a black woman has never been allowed to direct a project with such significant funding. Never. This is a (clearly good) first. And this funding was granted to Nia DaCosta’s project because it was Marvel. Captain Marvel, the prequel to The Marvels, grossed over $1,100,000,000.00 worldwide. Or you could look at Captain Marvel’s previous significant appearance, Avengers: Endgame, and claim that Carol Danvers is partially responsible for a box office of $2,799,000,000.00. So The Marvels was allowed a budget that literally made history because it was expected to follow in the footsteps of its forebearers. For better or worse, The Marvels is the movie it is because it was riding the success of films that trace back to 2008. If we didn’t collectively pretend that we went to see previous Captain Marvel films for reasons other than being interested in the adventures of Nick Fury and his fantastic friends, we would not get any Captain Marvel sequels. Or, assuming Disney would still “give it a shot” with less of a risk, we could theoretically be seeing MCU films with significantly reduced budgets. We have seen the bootlegs of Fantastic Four ’94. We will go right back to that if we stop tinkerbelling for our comic book universes.
We have to believe, everyone involved in production has to believe, the stockholders have to believe, we all have to live in this collective delusion, or things will get worse. We will have less entertainment. We will have less fun. Marvel Super Heroes have to be successful, or the license is going to bounce over to EA, and we’ll have to suffer through Rise of the Imperfects all over again.
Luckily, the Earth is going to keep turning even if Disney deigns Deadpool to no longer be a guaranteed success. So let’s get back to the actually life-threatening world of politics.
In the exact same manner that the population at large is expected to pretend that the MCU is still just as relevant as it has always been, citizens of the United States are asked to believe they unquestionably live in the best country on Earth. Never mind that quantifying such a concept is both subjective and conceptually impossible (how do you measure the happiness of a population of 333 million people and their impact on the rest of world?), but the perception of being the “best” anything comes with some significantly far-reaching consequences. The United States of America is Earth’s police, because we want to bring other countries to our first-world level (which justifies a military budget that is three times larger than the 2nd place country). The United States of America is the richest country on Earth, which means the country does not have to overexert itself in matters of social welfare or healthcare (and never mind that it is the richest country thanks to some phenomenally wealthy outliers). And, since the United States of America is the greatest country, its leaders must be equally great. Our politicians are all successful, intelligent, measured, and, of course, eloquent. The best country is led by the best and brightest people, and you will understand that from hearing just a few sentences from our most effective leaders.
And the fact that this is so obviously wrong has ramifications that will change the world.
Donald Trump is not and has never been an intelligent man. He is not a master political genius, and he is not a politician that found the lifehack to amass an army of men and women that would literally die for him. Taking Donald Trump’s entire lifetime as a public figure into the calculations, you can easily confirm that Donald Trump is not so much “successful” as “has always had a lot of money”. He was born richer than you have ever been, and has lost entire lifetimes of wealth on idiotic ventures. He is still standing and “rich” because once you have a certain level of wealth, you have to actively try to fail downwards. I am typing these words in the shadow of one of his failed casinos, in a town where he neglected to pay any and all contractors, and ultimately was able to escape without owing a dime, predominantly because the law loves a rich man who has no shame about declaring bankruptcy. People have written entire books on Donald Trump’s many, many failures, so please look those up if you need more information. Or if you are in the mood for Trump Steaks.
But Donald Trump did not need to be successful to become president. He just needed to be different.
The simplest way to put this is straightforward: the corruption is real. Whether you are a Republican or Democrat, it is very likely you know something is rotten in the state of Denmark (not yet officially recognized as one of the united states). You know you have been hearing the same people with the same platitudes flashing you the same fake smile for decades. I would unquestionably vote for Biden, but that former candidate is also a person who was serving in the senate since ten years before I was born. The man has over a lifetime of practice at being a presentable politician. And he will gladly stand up there and rattle off a speech that he may or may not believe at all with the same measured cadence as a sociopath because he can. And he can because he has done it before. Even if you believe the man is as morally pure as virgin snow, you must acknowledge that he has had to support things he did not believe in in the past just as a simple matter of occasionally having to please the public (or sizable donors). And how many times can you do that before you have lost all feeling on every issue? And that’s even ignoring the many times he was publicly speaking on a subject he knew nothing about. Ever show up late for work? Well, the President has, too! And sometimes you must tell the public about how great some internet privacy act is! Even though you have never had an email address that didn’t end in .gov your entire life! Gonna be a long day for Joe! But he is still going to sound as measured, confident, and informed as any politician worth a damn, because he is a professional with over half a century of experience. A significant reason Harris has captured our attention is because she is at least not as entrenched as a man that has spent lifetimes within the Washington sphere. Former senator and attorney general isn’t exactly a political outsider, though!
And we all play along because we know that is how the system works. If our politicians are bumbling shlubs that can barely stutter out some sensible syllables about eating lamb, we know the end is well and truly here. We elect politicians not because they are necessarily good at their actual jobs, but because they are good at the job of looking like a politician. And when people know things are not right, that this whole system is not working…. Well, then they elect someone who is not qualified and sounds like they are just making up speeches on the spot. Donald Trump is a nitwit and woefully unqualified for the position of President, but at least he is not one of the guys that got us into this mess. He is different! He is the opposite of these career politicians! Logically, the reverse of these losers must be a winner! Bizarro am right, right!?!
We live in a society, my jokers. You only need to sound like a buffoon during your grandfather’s funeral once to realize why it is a good idea to prepare some notes beforehand. You only need to tank an entire movie studio’s output once before you realize it is time to give Robert Downey Jr. his own “trailer encampment” to get him back in armor again. And you only need to elect an inadequate, orange clown once before you realize the answer to our problems is not to elect a unique rich white guy.
Learn from your mistakes. Be a super hero.
FGC #667 Marvel Super Heroes
- System: Originally an Arcade release, this one also saw the Sega Saturn and Playstation in its heyday. It also migrated to the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 as part of Marvel vs. Capcom Origins, an excellent compilation that has been delisted for the last decade. Luckily, we are getting a new compilation any day now when Capcom decides to drop that one.
- Number of players: As is proper and good for Marvel Super Heroes, we must have one-on-one matches between two heroes and/or villains.
- Maybe actually talk about the game for a second: It is an X-Men-style fighting game, now with Marvel’s most popular tentacle-based elder god. And some other guys! I will state that this was one of my least played titles when it first hit arcades (I want to say it was up against one of the more popular Mortal Kombats), but I do enjoy playing it in retrospect. Not quite the roster I want, but at least the gem trading system adds distinctiveness for a few rounds.
- Favorite Character: It is tempting to go with my favorite big boy, Juggernaut, but this was also the first time I got to play as Spider-Man in a fighting game. And, dang, that boy can swing!
The Top: Dr. Doom is a sub-boss, and Thanos is the big bad. While this is true to the comics and general cosmic power scales, the concept of Dr. Doom being anyone’s lackey is an insult to the whole of Latvaria, and should be punished accordingly.- The Mad Titan: Speaking of Thanos, he is the only boss in the original X-Men: Children of the Atom through Marvel vs. Capcom 2 series of Versus titles that was not an X-Men or Capcom character. Magneto, Apocalypse, Cyber Akuma, Onslaught, and Abyss were all either mutants or Capcom creations, so Thanos is the only odd man out that was more on the Avengers side of things. Also: what’s with so many bosses starting with “A”?
- An End: Iron Man is the only heroic character to use (and not instantly nobly discard) the Infinity Gems during their ending, as Tony Stark uses temporary godlike power to heal his damaged nervous system. Is this a preview of the whole of the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Or is Tony merely a dick? Hulk and Spider-Man just go home to their wives!
- For the Sequel: Various Marvel champions are stoned in the background of Thanos’s lair, and they are revived when a hero wins (Shuma-Gorath, Blackheart, Juggernaut, and Magneto do not bother). Scarlet Witch, Drax (in his old-school, cape outfit), and Giant Man would continue to be background characters for the Capcom fighters; however, former statues She-Hulk and Thor would eventually be playable in Marvel vs. Capcom 3… about fifteen years later. They needed time to recover!
- Goggle Bob Fact: And here’s the other arcade machine I bought…
It contains all the Capcom fighters I have ever loved/involved Wolverine, so this seemed like a value add. I am practically saving money (on quarters). - Did you know? Seemingly random X-Men were included in this battle because they were determined by Capcom research to be the most prevalent fighters from X-Men: Children of the Atom. Wolverine and Psylocke may have been popular picks, but Juggernaut and Magneto were both (usually) unavailable bosses in the previous X-title. People just wanted to play as the big boys!
- Would I play again: Conceptually, Marvel Super Heroes is a win. However, any time spent playing as a character from this game is time I could be playing Marvel vs. Capcom 2, and it is hard to choose anything but Marvel vs. Capcom 2.
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Arcade Wrath of the Mutants! Looks like there are more super heroes… Er… superheroes to come! Please look forward to it!
