Let’s learn some fun facts about Toobin’!
It is not very original
Toobin’ is a 1988 arcade title by Atari Games and Midway. Midway/Atari had a pretty amazing hit rate during the 80’s, as this would be the same people that brought us Marble Madness, Paperboy, Gauntlet, and Blasteroids. Toobin’ is also a slam dunk of a concept, as who does not enjoy tubing along down some lazy river? Best of all worlds, right here, available for a quarter a go.
Unfortunately, Toobin’ is about as original as Waluigi (love the guy, but you have to admit he stole that drip). A healthy six years before Toobin’ hit the arcades, Swimmer was released by Tehkan (later Tecmo) in Japan. While it is a properly primitive game compared to the cartoony Toobin’ (1982 was the same year as Mr. Do and E.T.), the gameplay similarities would make Fighter’s History blush. Just like in Toobin’, you are “swimming” down a flowing river, and you must avoid a pile of logs and grab various bonuses on your way to your goal. Yes, that is not the most complicated concept in the world, but it is exactly the same thing you’ll see in Toobin’ (give or take the titular tubes). And, given there was a six-year gap (which was forever in the early days of gaming) you would think someone at Atari or Midway would have had time to come up with an original idea.
Of course, they may have found a way to distinguish Toobin’ with…
Toobin’ is weirdly racist
The Toobin’ arcade flyer advertises a game where you will tube down a river and encounter penguins, bears, tigers, eagles, camels, and a random Grecian ruin. And that is all accurate! But the only signs of humanity in this image are hiding beneath a picture of the Toobin’ cabinet: a set of generically African tribal masks with exaggerated teeth and lips. And that is just the tip of the iceberg (and I’m not talking about the penguins again).
Toobin’ believes all rivers are connected, and the three main stages of Toobin’ go through a number of locations that are much more separated in the real world. Level 1-1 begins in the fictional land of Colorado, but later areas within the first level include Amazon, Okeefenokee, “American”, and Nile. And you better believe each of those locations are an excuse for racism. Amazon includes dark-skinned men blowing darts. American is wall-to-wall Native American stereotypes (completely with “whooping” music). Nile is every Egyptian trope known to man. Comparatively, Okeefenokee is tame, as it only includes Jason Bateman and Laura Linney trying to launder money. Later levels incorporate the Rio Grande with nothing but dudes in sombreros, ponchos, and bandoliers; and “Left Bank”, which is covered in pollution and probably making fun of somewhere. It feels meanspirited! Even the Innuits of the Yukon levels have a frosty disposition.
And that is the basic gist of this subtle racism. You have two cool 80’s dudes as your protagonists, and every other culture on Earth is trying to kill them. And our heroes are chill! They are not hurting anybody! But every other ethnicity is harshing their buzz, bro, so they are wrong. Americans tubing down sacred waters are to be treated well, and everyone else is a jerk.
Oh well. You probably won’t see any of the later areas anyway, because…
Toobin’ doesn’t even have a joystick
Let’s take a good look at that Toobin’ control setup.
Now, Midway/Atari was no stranger to unusual control methods for its arcade hits. Gauntlet was straightforward, but Marble Madness was always a lot more ball-based than anything else in the arcade. Toobin’ dropped the traditional setup in its own way by only including five action buttons, and zero paddles. We control like a truck or a Resident Evil character here: two buttons to rotate around, and two buttons move either forward or backwards. Toss in a button to throw cans at opponents, and that’s all we got. If you can drive a car, you can drive a tube.
Except, unlike driving a car, Toobin’ feels awful. Some arcade cabinets have had steering wheels going back to the 80’s, and people have gravitated toward such “driving games” because it feels good to zoom around a track with a virtual vehicle. Nothing in Toobin’ feels good. It is a game that perfectly captures the futile feeling of paddling against a relentless, indifferent current. And it is never pleasant to play a videogame where you are not in control! You are expected to go through various hurdles and dodge a pile of different obstacles in Toobin’, but actually accomplishing those goals is damn near impossible. It will take a lot of practice to correctly use those five buttons to sidle up on the side of some jerk with a rifle and nail him with a soda can, yet that is a requirement if you want to outlive your credits.
Odds are good a lot of people put one quarter into Toobin’, futilely floundered into death, and then moved onto anything else in the arcade that involved a proven control scheme.
Which is kind of a shame, as it is eventually implied…
Toobin’ allows you to travel through time
The flyer for Toobin’ includes a dinosaur among other assorted animals, and there is a reason for that: the third level begins in “Jurassic” and includes neanderthals and brontosauruses. From there, we also have “Cuprum”, which appears to be a future city filled with science fiction punks and way too many lasers. And for a slightly different trip through time and space, the third level also eventually reaches Mars, complete with red shores and the occasional alien. It is very unlikely anyone ever got this far in the arcades (why would you when you could be playing literally anything else?), but Toobin’s inclusion on several emulated home releases may have seen players reaching the time-traveling ends of Toobin’.
Though those collections always included other, more popular games, too…
But someone probably got that far!
And somebody probably also noticed…
Toobin’ has a very short attention span
Toobin’ advertises that it is “1 or 2-player simultaneous action with buy-in anytime feature!” and that it “keeps dudes and dates lovin’ it!” So Toobin’ was clearly intended for two player simultaneous fun from the beginning. But even if you are alone at a Toobin’ cabinet, you immediately notice that your playable 
Bif is followed by a miscolored version of Jet whether you want a playing partner or not. And Nega-Jet is definitely not there to help you. This rival will attempt to scoot ahead of you, score powerups and points before you do, and maybe even bump you into an alligator. This is not a cooperative partner! This is the guy you are racing to the finish line.
So it is kind of weird when he just dies and never returns.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration. Nega-Jet appears to have three lives/”patches” just like you, and when his precious tube deflates, he is done. He does not immediately get a continue, and you are flying solo for a significant chunk of the river. And that’s good! Nega-Jet is 100% an antagonistic force, and having him around is not good for you. You can score more points on your lonesome by a significant margin. Nega-Jet is not missed.
But then he does come back! Sometimes, he respawns at the start of a stage, paddles along as a general nuisance again, and then dies some more. And then you are Jet-less for some more miles. And a lack of Jet is always welcome! But it is confusing that there is this forced two player mode that often is over before it begins. Is it just there to remind you that two players are possible? Is the twin set of five buttons at your right not enough of a clue? Or did the designers have no idea how to implement a competitor that is immortal? Jet dies on his own without any help from a player, so surely this wasn’t meant to encourage bumping tubes with a foe.
But speaking of death…
Toobin’ sends you to Hell
We have a Nightmare stage that is nothing but dark water and horror monsters, and we have the Black Forest that is crowded with ents and wizards, but it all pales in comparison to…
It isn’t even subtle! The level is named “Styx”, and there is a literal devil teleporting around tossing fire at you. What have you done to deserve this? And why is there a party here?
The world may never know.
But we do know that Toobin’ is a freaking weird videogame.
FGC #662 Toobin’
System: Stick to the arcade version and direct emulations thereof. If you really want to play something with a controller that is absolutely not built for Toobin’, you can always hit the Amiga, Commodore 64, NES, Gameboy Color, or ZX Spectrum. All of the early ports blow chunks, though, because nobody could figure out how to properly port those five buttons.- Number of players: Two players, whether you want ‘em or not.
- Achievement Unlocked: For maximum bonus points, you are expected to collect balloon letters that spell out the literal name of the game. And part of the attract mode of Toobin’ advertises that you could take a picture of your accomplishment (with actual goldarned film), send it in, and receive a t-shirt so you could advertise your achievement. The offer expired as of 1989, though, so please do not bother.
- Win Forever: Each soda can found in the water grants you one single projectile toss, but the six pack will grant you infinite projectiles. This was likely a late addition to the game, as there are places where you can wedge your tuber into a corner, and then murder everything in the area for unlimited points. There is even a crocodile that is supposed to waste you when you are stalling, but that reptile is vulnerable to cans, too. Nothing can stop you!
- Goggle Bob Fact #1: This game was the central “end cap” of one of my favorite arcades when I was a wee tot, so it holds a special place in my heart. I never actually played the game for more than thirty seconds, but boy did it look cool when I was bumming around the arcade.
- Goggle Bob Fact #2: This article is partially inspired by the fact that I blew my midlife crisis clout on an arcade table…
It was on sale! And it includes Toobin’! And Rampage! And Mortal Kombats! How could I say no?! - Did you know? You either die a hero, or live long enough to be an unlockable bonus in Lego Dimensions.
- Would I play again: Toobin’ can go to Styx.
What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Lunar: Dragon Song! Which means ROB is not getting any snacks this week. You know what you did! Bah, may as well head to the dark side of the moon. Please look forward to it.
