Metroids 1: The Long Beam

Gentle reader, I respect you too much to lie to you: this whole website, and everything contained therein, is one giant excuse to play videogames.

It’s true! I’m sorry!

So please understand that a number of Even Worse Streams projects started as nothing more than an excuse to play through a particular game or franchise, and then “posts” about the subject were created to justify such an endeavor. When we streamed Xenogears, I knew there was something I wanted to say, but it literally took me months to find it. Street Fighter 6 was just friends having fun that accidentally mushroomed into an examination of the Street Fighter franchise. Legend of Legaia had a point from day one… And was also probably the most miserable series of streams for our live studio audience. At least we had Brave Fencer Musashi to keep fanboymaster happy after forcing him through Chrono Cross…

And thus we come to Metroid. Even Worse Streams has streamed the entire 2-D Metroid series because… I replayed Metroid Prime thanks to the remaster, and thus I wanted to replay the franchise. That’s it! That’s the reason, folks! An excuse to play games I have played millions of times before!

But I guess I gotta write about it or something, so here’s the pitch:

Metroid: One Weird Thing

We are going to be playing every 2-D Metroid (and one Castlevania). So let us study what did not stick as the franchise went forward. Note that the subjects of these articles may not be items or ideas that never appeared again, but were certainly items that were never emphasized again. Like today we are looking at Metroid and…

The Long Beam

The Long Beam is an odd duck. If you know where you are going in Zebes, you will have the Long Beam in your possession before you see Metroid mainstays like bombs or elevators. But obtaining the Long Beam is also likely the player’s first exposure to a true “item room”, as the morph ball and missiles are the only requirement for finding the Long Beam, and both of those items are just randomly out in the open. This gives the Long Beam an almost holy undertone, as it is the first place you will see a Chozo Statue and attendant item ball. And then… the franchise just forgot it existed.

The Long Beam makes your beam fire further. This was not much of a factor a game later on the limited Gameboy screen, but every future Metroid had a larger area, and still forsook the Long Beam. Super Metroid offers no explanation for why Samus must reacquire every powerup from Metroid/Metroid 2, but the only item not on her shopping list is the Long Beam. Similarly, when Samus is brought down to zero at the start of Metroid Fusion and/or Metroid Dread, the Long Beam is overlooked as something that could even be lost. And in the first person Metroids? Forget about it! Could you imagine an FPS where your precious arm cannon only fires the length of your average zoomer? Awful.

But maybe that is the thing about the Long Beam. Samus is an action heroine with a gun for an arm. Nothing would make sense if that gun had the range of a sword. That’s Link’s deal! So the Long Beam is neglected as an assumed part of her default loadout, and that is that. Even in Metroid’s remake, Metroid Zero Mission, the Long Beam seems to exist to be another tool/requirement to open passageways, and its middling addition to Samus’s arsenal is an afterthought. The Long Beam is back for one game, but only as an obligation to the source material. If someone could have replaced it with an item even slightly more interesting, they certainly would have…

So here’s to you, Long Beam, the first forgotten item from the first Metroid.

Even Worse Streams Presents Metroid
Night 1

Let’s Play Metroid

Random Notes:

• We’ve got Jeanie, BEAT, fanboymaster, and me. Let’s answer the question of “Is Metroid (1) any fun?”
• Jeanie recalls the Captain N comic Samus Aran. Given this version of the character was the first I ever saw a talking Samus Aran, I will always believe “that” Samus kicks ass.
• This was when BEAT posted his terrible forecast of the Marvel Cinematic Universe for 2024. Will he be proven right on his nonsense predictions?
• Speaking of consumer products that only get used because they are convenient, this was the day that Tweetdeck was closed to regular users. RIP, Twitter.
• “You either die an Archie, or live long enough to become Jughead.”
• Caliscrub joins as we discuss the morality of Jughead having sex.
• Which Pokémon would Samus Aran hunt to extinction? BEAT has opinions.
• “You ever think about short lived television series Manimal?” “What the hell is that!?”
• Remember when Elon Musk solved world hunger? Me neither. He spent seven times the cost of saving the world on purchasing Twitter.
• As is our want, we are once again discussing the differences between The Legend of Zelda Tears of the Kingdom and Breath of the Wild. Today’s topic: loneliness.
• Kraid goes down as fanboymaster explains “exceptional strength” in Dungeons and Dragons. The moral of “do not make math problem while drunk” is continued through to the death of Mother Brain.
• Pray for true peace in space! We beat it fast enough to get leotard Samus Aran.

Let’s Play Metroid: mOTHER
(Still) Night 1

Random Notes:

• Welcome to the “Ultimate ROM hack” Metroid: mOTHER has graphical improvements, a map, beam stacking, and save options. Beam stacking in OG Metroid is something I have always wanted to try, so here we are.
• Let’s talk about Ninja Turtles and the Last Ronin comic/potential videogame.
• Axiom Verge 2 is discussed as we power through Norfair. I move through a planet faster when I know where I’m going from an hour back!
• “Everyone! Tell us your Manchurian Candidate activation codes!”
• As Ridley goes down, I accurately guess that Street Fighter 6 would be posted in January. I know myself so well!
• On the way to Kraid, we discuss the beloved koopa kids. Lemmy is a subject of debate.
• After Kraid is defeated, fanboymaster starts singing the Impact theme song from Goemon 64 2. I never knew the game existed, yet fanboymaster can belt out its tunes.
• “Take me down to Paradise City with Mother Brain where the Metroids are pretty.”
• And we complete Metroid (again) the same way as previous Metroid: Let’s look at a slightly stripped down Samus. Enjoy Diary of a Wimpy Zero Suit Samus as we close out the evening.

Next time on Metroid: Greedy Jellyfish.

I know we’ll see each other again