FGC #569 Battletoads (2020)

There’s a moment about 75% of the way through Battletoads (2020) that… well, let’s let the GIF do the talkin’ here…

That is Pimple, and, spoilers, he is freaking the heck out. He has been generally chill and mellow throughout this Battletoads adventure, but has now been pushed too far, and the following level is going to be Pimple rampaging like a toad built only for battle. Pimple, the reliable rock of the Battletoad trio, is well and truly done, and he is not going to take this lying down.

And this moment brilliantly features exactly how the creators of Battletoads (2020) fundamentally understand the Battletoads of 1991.

Our favorite toads had an ultimately brief period of fame (or… close enough to fame) for approximately three years. We saw an NES game, a Gameboy game, a Super Nintendo game, an arcade game, and one vaguely memorable crossover. There was also a rigorous comic book promotion in there, and an animated series that arguably never saw the light of day (does direct to VHS pilot even count as real?). And was there any sort of unifying Battletoads mythos in all of this? Nope! The Battletoads were “real” people that were digitized into a virtual world, or they were “real” toad people from space, or they had that whole “Thing Ring do your thing” dealy going on with magical morphing. And there was some confusion within the original games if this was happening over and over again (apparently the Dark Queen really likes kidnapping), or if this was all some manner of Legend of Zelda “the same tale retold” situation, and Battlemaniacs was basically the “grown-up” telling of OG Battletoads. And the arcade version was clearly a version of Battletoads where we finally had the technology to let a toad fight a snake! Was that supposed to happen back in the NES days? Who knows!

So, if someone were asked to distill some consistency from three years’ worth of Battletoads mythos, would it be possible? The only thing that was constant across those games was that everyone in this universe had a general 90’s irreverent attitude, and, when the ‘toads punched stuff, sometimes their limbs changed. Across multiple games, mediums, and graphical capabilities, that was all we really had as concentrated Battletoads. They have attitude, and they morph their limbs.

And it is kind of amazing that that is exactly what is displayed in that above Pimple GIF. That is what is on display in the entirety of Battletoads 2020. Everyone in this universe has an irreverent attitude, and it is animated with a rubbery, lively style that is appropriate to heroes that have always been able to stretch and contort into whatever is going to be most visually interesting/proper for the moment. In the same way that Rash can transform into a battering ram on command (forward, forward+B), he can also morph into an office drone or spaceship pilot. The Battletoads are, fundamentally, just as adaptable as the Looney Tunes of yore, and they absolutely should exist in a game/universe wherein they are just as malleable.

In a world wherein the curators of Battletoads absolutely could have based an entire game on the “meme” of Battletoads, the idea that they are all “Turbo Tunnels and NES hard”, Battletoads 2020 wound up being true to a Battletoads franchise that is more than just its internet reputation. This is a triumph beyond measure, and my hats off to the writers, directors, and producers of Battletoads.

Also, while the designers of Battletoads are listening, I have one other thing to say about the 2020 game: it sucks. It sucks so bad.

The original, first level of the initial Battletoads game, Battletoads, is a beat ‘em up. Likely thanks to first impressions, many people (including myself) collectively refer to Battletoads as a beat ‘em up style game. Unfortunately, if you play past the first level (big “if”, because this is Battletoads, and you would be forgiven for losing to Giant Walker), you’ll find the second stage is practically a different game, complete with different rules. Similarly, the third stage, the infamous Turbo Tunnel, starts with a sprinkling of combat, and is then an entirely pacifist-friendly “battle” with stationary walls (you just happen to be going really, really fast). The next levels are (in order) a 2-D platforming/snowball fight, 3-D beat ‘em/surfing safari, and 2-D platforming (on snakes). In fact, once you clear Level 7 (of 12), you never see a 3-D beat ‘em up section again, and all combat is on a 2-D plane. In short (as I have documented in detail before) Battletoads is a beat ‘em up about as much as Mario Odyssey is with its occasional forays into t-rex-based carnage. We had one arcade game that seemed capable of staying on target, but every other Battletoads game cannot stick to a genre longer than the span of a level. When you’ve got Jimmy and Billy Lee piloting spaceships, you know something has gone terribly wrong…

And Battletoads 2020 initially seems to lean on the beat ‘em up trappings of its forebears. As one might expect for the update of a nearly 30 year old franchise, Battletoads 2020 is a might more complicated than its ancestor. This is no longer a simple case of “punch/jump/dash”, there are now options for strong and quick attacks, charge attacks, and a few possibilities for using your toady tongue as a grappling hook. And you’ve got grappling options! Would you like to collect flies, swing your toad from the foreground to the background, or, ya know, grapple (ala Mike Haggar). It is obvious that, in the same way a lot of thought went into an animation style that seemed appropriate for Battletoads, a lot of consideration was given to creating a beat ‘em up system that not only was fun to play, but was also appropriate to our heroes. The presence of a blocking monster means you’ll be using the stylish charge moves that were previously reserved for “smash” combo finishers. The mobile “shooting” creatures will encourage jumping for a dodge, and then a new jumping attack. And tongue moves! We are featuring toads, people, let’s act like it and highlight the one thing toads are known for (aside from hopping and kissing princesses). That slurping sound should have been for more than health refills for Battletoads from the beginning!

Except… it all kind of… doesn’t feel right? Or work right? There is a lot in the beat ‘em up sections of Battletoads that feels almost wholly broken. For instance, health drains stupidly quickly, so a single punch from an opponent can drain a third of your HP. In a way, this makes sense, as a single player game allows the usage of all three of the Battletoads, so you effectively have triple the health you see on any one life bar, and a fallen Battletoad revives if you wait a whole 20 seconds. You are practically invincible! But it still feels bad to whiff a dodge and be mercilessly punished. And, speaking of which, you will be punished, because managing the Battletoads’ battlin’ is a lesson in humility. It is very difficult to find the exact timing on when any of your protagonists can exactly cancel a combo to perform a dodge, so practically any string of punches is a risk. And that is not a good look for a beat ‘em up, as it means a conservative player is likely to zoom around the screen, eternally dodging, and only throw a single punch for fear of starting an inescapable combo chain. And that works, but it also works to make each individual fight move at a Battlesnail’s pace. And if you feel like being more loose with your health, good luck refilling on available flies, as those previously mentioned tongue moves are mapped to surprisingly confusing controls, and you are a lot more likely to accidentally drag a dangerous enemy into your proximity than down a life powerup.

And if you are getting the impression that I did not enjoy the beat ‘em up portions of Battletoads, congratulations, you have reading comprehension. The beat ‘em up portions of Battletoads 2020 are the worst parts of Battletoads 2020.

So it works out that Battletoads has the same inability to focus on any one genre as its ancestors.

Here is a vague spoiler warning for those of you that want to experience the manic intensity of Battletoads in its natural, astonishing way. Stop reading if you want to experience this all on your own dime. But for anyone else that is curious, here is the “shape” of Battletoads 2020:

Act 1
Beat ‘em Up
Office Work
Turbo Tunnel
Beat ‘em Up
Beat ‘em Up
Toadshambo
Boss

Act 2
Toadshambo (Unwinnable)
Beat ‘em Up
Boss
Gymnastics
Corpse Sledding

Act 3
Shoot ‘em up
Platformer
Shoot ‘em Up
Platformer
Platformer
Angry Minigames
Shoot ‘em Up
Computer Troubleshooting

Act 4
Platformer
Beat ‘em Up (Edge Case)
Turbo Tunnel
Boss
Quick Time Events/Ending

So, what, over half the game is not a beat ‘em up at all? And the final third seems to drop the conceit almost entirely? And how do these various diversions and “mini games” work? Are they, from an objective point of view, any good?

The answer is no. Of course none of these “distractions” in Battletoads work very well. For instance, the “rebooting the system” game at the end of Act 3 is intense, well thought-out, and a pretty unique piece of gameplay… and it is never seen again. And this is common! A lot of these challenges could comprise entire games, but Battletoads is not interested in being responsible for any of those games. Battletoads does not contain a “reboot computer hard mode” or “just play this section and we take it up to 11 through increasing challenges” or anything of the sort. Battletoads just introduces this wholly unique situation, progresses a few “levels” in what is possible, and then… that’s it. Never to be seen again. Next up is a platforming level, I guess. Hope you’re equally good at that! Or, as another easy example, consider that the big centerpiece of the final challenge of the final battle is a speeder bike level, and the last time the player touched a speeder bike level was approximately the entire length of the game ago. It is unlikely a player even remembers how a speeder bike works at that point, left alone are good enough to complete the speeder bike challenge to end all challenges.

And this is objectively bad videogame design. It sucks. Battletoads sucks. It somehow expects a player to learn and play wholly new systems and challenges that have no basis or connection between each other (save involving the same controller). Battletoads Level 1 has nothing to do with Level 2 or Level 3, and then Level 4 expects you to return to the same gameplay just in time for it to be dropped again for Level 5. This is exactly what a videogame should not do. This does not “teach” a player how to effectively play a game, it is arbitrariness for the sake of being “lol random”. You absolutely cannot claim “unwinnable roshambo contest” is anything but a joke on the player. It is impossible to “master” the game when the parameters of the game keep changing.

Also, goddamn do I love it.

In attempting to review Battletoads 2020 from an objective perspective, I can only conclude that the game sucks. The cutscenes wholly understand the Battletoads property, but actually playing the game is frequently a lesson in frustration. The beat ‘em up sections are half-baked, and everything else that surrounds those sections cannot even reach the high watermark of half-baked. I, Goggle Bob, third-best videogame authority on my own Twitter feed, could not recommend Battletoads 2020 in the same way I could unequivocally recommend River City Girls, Streets of Rage 4, or even Scott Pilgrim. But that said? Damn is Battletoads fun for me. I enjoy bounding from one genre to another. I love mastering some esoteric system while knowing full-well I will never see it again. And, hell, I can even enjoy the beat ‘em up portions, because I revel in the great feeling of completing a level and knowing I won’t have to do that again. One guiding principle of this blog is the all important question of “would I play this game again”. And would I play Battletoads 2020 again? No, I want to avoid those beat ‘em up sections like the plague (hey, that phrase has more meaning this year). But would I play individual sections of the game again? Absolutely. And, more than that, playing Battletoads for the first time and never having any idea what the hell is coming next is a singular experience that is utterly rare in videogames. One way or another, even the most experimental Mario title is going to continue to tick the same boxes, and continue with the same, progressively escalating gameplay. Battletoads? Nah, man, these dorks want to throw a completely unrelated acid race into the final act, they’re going to do it, and I’m apparently going to like it. Battletoads 2020 is all over the place, and it revels in that practically from the first (well, second) level.

And that has always been Battletoads. So, warts and all, thank you, Battletoads 2020, for continuing the tradition. I might have to objectively claim this game sucks, but, subjectively, I’m in toad heaven.

FGC #569 Battletoads (2020)

• System: Xbox One exclusive. Well, I mean, exclusive if you don’t have a Windows PC…
• Number of players: Three! And that’s why it became part of my bachelor party. We damn well know how to party. And parry.
• Aren’t the bosses “Beat ‘em Up Sections” too? A resounding “kinda” there. The bosses utilize the beat ‘em up trappings, but those fights are more “dodge for a while, then punch something” than the crowd control-based challenges that are traditional in the beat ‘em up genre. Basically, while the controls are the same for the latest big, bad boss, there is a lot more Mega Man DNA in there than Streets of Rage. Well, for everything except that giant eyeball, at least.
• Favorite Toad: I don’t understand why Pimple does so much more damage than his toad buddies. Like, I get it conceptually wise (he strong), but, from a gameplay perspective, it feels weird to play as anyone else, particularly against bosses. He makes things go so much faster! Even if he’s not fast!
• What’s in a story? If you’re curious about the actual plot of Battletoads, it’s basically an old school hero/villain teamup to beat down an even greater villain. The Battletoads are working with the Dark Queen! Will she betray them? Maybe! Find out more by playing Battletoads 2020! Or don’t! And just acknowledge that the Dark Queen should get her own spinoff.
• Speaking of the Dark Queen: After some goober claims he liked her old dominatrix outfit better, The Dark Queen kicks that nerd out of a space ship. There’s a lesson there.
• That ol’ Rare Flavor: Much like a certain bear-based game, a lot of the humor early in Battletoads is based on “wow, aren’t old games old”. Yes, gaming and “popularity” was different two decades ago. We get it! But, luckily, this nonsense is generally dropped by the time you get about 25% through the story, so good on the writers for not beating that dead horse into the ground anymore.
• Goggle Bob Fact: One stage during Act 3 requires you to match onscreen button prompts extremely quickly. Unfortunately, I have been playing on Nintendo controllers for far too much of my life, so I am physically incapable of interpreting X/Y and A/B correctly on an Xbox controller (where those buttons are reversed from their Nintendo orientation). As a result, I had to remap the controller on the system level exclusively to finish one minigame stage. A serious thank you to Microsoft available accessibility controls for dealing with my broken brain.
• Did you know? I think Professor T. Bird died. He was pretty old.
• Would I play again: Should I just copy/paste the earlier body of text? Yes, with the caveat that I’m not playing particular levels ever again. Going back to find beat ‘em up collectibles in a Battletoads game? No thank you.

What’s next? First of all, we are now switching to one FGC article per week. This is primarily so I have some extra time to focus on my Xenogears Let’s Play (coming to the site soon!), and also because when I switched to two FGC articles a week, a global pandemic started. Maybe this will stop it? Hopefully! So for next Monday, Random ROB has chosen… Final Fight! Speaking of beat ‘em ups, here is the grandaddy of them all (or at least what I remember as the grandaddy). Haggar is gonna piledrive some (same) dudes! Please look forward to it!

That is some good GUI right there