FGC #146 X-Kaliber 2097

Guys? Guys? Alright, guys, today I’m going to talk about the single raddest videogame on the Super Nintendo: X-Kaliber 2097. Now I know a lot of people have a problem with videogame stories: they think they’re dumb, stupid, or just dopey. And, yeah, I get that, right? Like, Mario is clearly for big babies (Bowser doesn’t even talk), and even Zelda is bogged down with fairies and other lame stuff. But, dude, let me tell you, X-Kaliber 2097 has the best story ever.

So it’s the future, right? 2097 AD, specifically (it’s right there in the title, duh). And everyone is living in fear. People work all day and night, and don’t even go to parks! This is all because a big evil dude named Raptor (like the dinosaur) has taken over the world. Raptor is strong, and he has a super powerful sword that can kill anybody. Anybody! He’s also super rich, so he’s bribed all the cops and other good guys. So everyone is stuck toiling away, while Raptor rules the world with his super sword.

But there’s still hope! There are two people that Raptor couldn’t buy off: Slash and Alix. Alix is just the girl, so nobody cares about her, but Slash is a cool guy. Slash has a magic sword of his own, X-Kaliber, and he can totally cut robots and mutants in half with it. So Raptor is totally afraid of Slash, because he can’t bribe him and his sword is just as strong as his. Even Kane, Raptor’s best friend, is like “Oh no, Raptor, he has a sword that is strong like yours!” So Raptor comes up with a plan: he’ll kidnap Alix, and force Slash to surrender. But Slash isn’t a chump! Slash decides he’s going to fight to get Alix back, and never give up! Slash is gonna X-Kaliber every bad guy in 2097!

But there are a lot of bad guys! See, Raptor has an entire army of robots and mutants, and they’re all running around and riding motorcycles and turning into balls and stuff. Slash is amazing, but he’s not invincible (unless you use a code), so you have to cut up barrels and stuff to find Coke, hamburgers, and ribs to restore health. And every level has a midboss, too, usually some kind of mutant, like a dude that can puke acid, or another dude that can turn into sewer water (ew). But the important guys are the bosses, as they’re the ones that really tell the story.

The first boss is Tattoo. Tattoo is like… like you know Blanka from Street Fighter? Okay, so take Blanka, but make him a total badass, like, he stands up straight and has a giant sword from Aladdin. Then you’ve got Tattoo. Except Tattoo is even cooler than Blanka, because he has a big rose tattoo on his chest, and when he flexes, he can shoot a giant thorn whip out of his tattoo. It’s so awesome! He’s got a living tattoo! He’s the first boss, so he isn’t too hard, but he could totally carry his own movie.

The next level features Chainsaw. When you first see chainsaw, you’re all confused, because he has a giant gun, not a chainsaw, so what’s the deal? But then when you hit him a bunch of times, his face starts to fall off, and holy crap, Chainsaw is a Terminator! He’s all metal and everything! And then when he drops his gun, his right arm turns out to be a chainsaw. See? There are layers. Chainsaw’s chainsaw arm is no match for X-Kaliber, though, so he dies pretty quick. Hasta la vista, baby.

After a really annoying construction site level, Kane is the next boss. Like I said before, Kane is Raptor’s number one guy, and he looks like a typical mobster. Kane’s weapon is a cane he uses like a sword, but, come on, there’s no way a cane can fight the strongest sword in the world. Kane also has the power to throw his bowler hat like a boomerang, which is pretty original, but, really, hats and canes aren’t going to stop Slash. He’s the strongest one there is!

So Slash goes through the sewers and finds Raptor’s secret mutant making factory. All these mutants are being made by Dr. Blast, an evil scientist. Dr. Blast tries to fight Slash, but he can’t win, because he’s a simple nerd, what’s he supposed to do? But guess what? Dr. Blast drinks a magic science potion, and he turns into a giant scorpion/fly/mosquito creature that can shoot acid everywhere. This fight is really hard, because he’s one of those armored bugs, but Slash wins anyway. After the fight, Slash is all, “I should have brought bug spray.” He also talks about how Dr. Blast couldn’t have made all these mutants, so what’s going on?

So he goes right to Raptor’s mansion to get some answers and rescue Alix. Raptor finally shows up to fight at the end of the mansion, and he reveals that’s he’s Slash’s brother. Oh my gosh! The big bad guy and the good guy are brothers! Then they fight, because they both have super swords, and they have to know who has the best super sword. Slash wins, because X-Kaliber is the best sword of King Arther, and Raptor dies.

But it’s not over yet! It turns out all the mutants and robots and stuff didn’t come from Dr. Blast, it all came from a giant alien monster named Krux. Krux is an alien mobster that was just using Raptor as a front, and now Krux has stolen Alix! Looks like X-Kaliber isn’t getting retired yet!

So Slash goes to the alien dimension, and finds Spuke, Krux’s lieutenant. Spuke is a scary clown, and you can tell he’s bad, because his name is a combination of “spew” and “puke”. He spits acid, too, and flies around the screen rolled up in a ball, like Blanka (but not Tattoo). But Spuke doesn’t even have a weapon, so he’s diced clown parts thanks to Slash.

Finally, Slash fights Krux, who is starting to merge with Alix. But Slash knows what he’s doing, and aims just right, and fights Krux until Krux dies. In the end, the aliens are banished, Alix is saved, and Slash saves the world. Now everyone can go out and play, and don’t have to work anymore.

In conclusion, X-Kaliber 2097 is the greatest game ever made.

FGC #146 X-Kaliber 2097

• System: Super Nintendo, the most super of all systems.
• Number of players: Oh yeah, there’s a two player fighting mode. All the bosses I mentioned? You can play as them, and fight like it’s Street Fighter. That is really cool, and it lets you use all the cool boss moves, like Dr. Blast’s flying acid attacks.
• Favorite Boss: Chainsaw is a terminator! He gets an awesome gun, and then a chainsaw! Those are the best weapons!
• Just play the gig, man: The band Psykosonik provided the soundtrack for this game. Know what other soundtrack they’re on? Mortal Kombat (the movie). That means they’re totally cool, even if I’ve never heard of ‘em.
• Localization: This game is called Sword Maniac in Japan, and all the characters have totally different names. Like Tattoo? In Japan, his name is Tattoo Man. That’s just so weird.
• Code Junkies: There’s a code to make Slash totally invincible, and another code to select any level. I don’t think you should cheat in a game like this (you should experience it how it was meant to be played), but if you’re no good at video games, that invincible code will let you experience this amazing story without need mad skillz.
• Did you know? Slash is a master swordsman, so when he cuts upwards, things get cut in half vertically, and when he swings his sword sideways, things get cut horizontally. It’s just another way this game is totally realistic.
• Would I play again: Man, I don’t know if I can play this game again. Like, it’s totally awesome, but I want to remember it just as is, you know? Too much of a good thing and all that.

What’s next? Random ROB has chosen… Metroid Prime Pinball for the Nintendo DS! Are you ready to rumble with a big ball of Samus? You better be! Please look forward to it!