FGC #093 Dynamite Cop!

It’s funny to consider that, of all the movie genres video games have aped over the years, the comedy has been left in the cold. This is likely because the beeps and boops of early video games were not the best for “telling” jokes, and it’s hard to get a good “don’t call me Shirley” out of Mario stomping on a goomba. Combine this with the repetition of most video games (boy, wouldn’t it be a bad idea to have a mascot character “tell a joke” every time you died? That would get old fast), and humor seems almost antithetical to gaming in its entirety.

Now, there are exceptions. For instance, there have been many King’s Quest-esque Adventure Games over the years with fairly deft senses of humor… except that genre is already a mere step removed from being a playable novel/movie anyway. And there are a number of games out there that have amusing moments (I have never been able to tell if Metal Gear was completely serious with its premise or not… and that’s even after they put the tubby guy on roller skates). But that’s, really, not how comedies “work”. When you and your friends get some snacks, roll out the couch, and pop in Space Balls, you’re not doing it to get six jokes out of a twenty hour experience, you’re doing it to laugh out loud, and laugh often at that. And, sadly, that’s almost impossible to experience during a video game.

The bright side of this whole endeavor is that…

I’m sorry, we must interrupt this article for some breaking news…

The president’s daughter has been kidnapped!

A man that has apparently bolted some kind of mechanical octopus to his head has captured a ship full of dignitaries!

But Jean Ivy and her crew of Dynamite Cops have boarded the craft and are mounting a rescue as we speak.

There have been rumors of these officers using what detractors have described as “extreme methods” in the past, but what’s important is that they get the job done.

Earlier reports that a man was beaten to death with his friend’s severed head were unfounded. He was merely subdued with what was revealed to be a mannequin’s hair sample.

Reports that a pair of armed swordsmen were defeated by liberal use of a baguette were completely accurate, however.

We would like to remind our viewers that the crab people menace is not real, and we have nothing to fear from such a threat.

We are ready to release information that the Kraken is, obviously, authentic.

News as it develops: The president’s daughter has been taken to the Pirate’s Headquarters, Horrid Screaming Skull Island.

These pirates are apparently responsible for the Chicken Leg smuggling operation that bankrupt local business owner Gilius Thunderhead.

And the pirates are also wanted on some gigantic gambling charges. Erm, to be clear, the pirates use enormous gambling devices, the charges themselves are regular sized.

The pirates apparently captured, disposed of, and disguised themselves as the Dynamite Cops’ chief at some point. This would have been pertinent information before the doppelganger revealed himself, but, hey, reporting is hard.

And we have word that Jean is subduing Wolf Hongo, the besquiddled captain of these pirates, with techniques best described as “painful”.

Yes! The president’s daughter has been rescued, and Horrid Screaming Skull Island has been (apparently accidentally) blown up. Our hour long national nightmare is over, all thanks to the Dynamite Cops.

We now resume our post already in progress.

… which ultimately is why we will never see a “Comedy” video game. It’s a shame, but all we can do is sit back and laugh.

FGC #93 Dynamite Cop!

• System: Sega Dreamcast, and some magical, far away arcades.
• Number of Players: Three players! Woo! Love seeing that, and it’s happened twice this week!
• Die Hardest: It’s okay if you’re too young to know this bit of trivia, but Dynamite Cop is the sequel to Die Hard Arcade, which, yes, featured Bruce Willis doing absolutely insane stunts to save the president’s daughter. The license was lost by the time it hit the Dreamcast, but the “spirit” of the game/film is still there. It’s a little bit odd that “average man going through Hell: the movie” gradually mutated into, basically, the entire Jackie Chan library.
• Check Your Smoke Detector: There are bonus art gallery pieces hidden around the game. They’re pretty well hidden in destructible objects, but to assist you, the game has been programmed to make your VMU/Controller beep whenever you’re near buried treasure. The only hang-up is that I, as I usually do for the FGC, play the game initially “clean”, without any instruction manuals or FAQs or whatever to assist me, and only my own faulty memory for support. This led to playing the entire game wondering what the hell that beeping noise was, and growing more and more concerned my poor ol’ Dreamcast was dying. Dreamcast: it’s blinking?
• Speaking of Art: Perusing the Art Gallery reveals that there is a lot of background information on the seemingly random mooks you pummel throughout the game. Like, I guess, Ada Mendoza has had a rich and illustrious career before you beat her unconscious on the deck of a cruise ship.
• Favorite Dynamite Cop: I’m going to say Jean, because I tend to gravitate toward the female characters in most beat ‘em ups when Haggar is not available. Added bonus: Jean is best with the grabs/holds, so she’s basically a Lady Haggar. And, yes, I admit that when I was playing this game as a teenager, I was happier when she was beaten down to her jorts over, say, Bruno.
• Did you know? Completing the game will unlock Tranquilizer Gun, a seriously lousy Sega arcade game from roughly the Paleolithic Era. Given you have to play through the entirety of Dynamite Cop to touch the thing, this is like a double feature of Annie Hall and The Sorrow and the Pity.
• Would I play again: The fact that this isn’t on current-gen systems with online multiplayer is the greatest failing of mankind to date. Come on, Sega, this is ideal for an hour or so of online play every once in a while. I guess I can sorta understand, as those imagined servers would be permanently swamped with people Dynamite Copping around.

What’s Next? Random ROB has chosen… Saints Row: The Third. Yes, you doofy robot, don’t let the fun end! Let’s see how effective we can be on the other side of the law. Please look forward to it!